Thursday, August 26, 2010

get motivated?

thank you m'lovely "anonymous" for that comment " <3 "
I do appreciate each and every comment I receive. Haha although all anonymous comments make me paranoid a family member may have discovered my blog...

I was going to get motivated today, but instead I sit here in my pyjamas still feel sorry for myself although I know everything is my fault. Go figure.

what I need is some inspiration. I need someone I admire to tell me every thing's going to be alright. That they believe in me. That I'm not the fat failure I think I am.
- unfortunately I can't see that happening any time before it's too late, if it's not already too late.


1 – 200 of 507   Newer›   Newest»
Riding the rollercoster said...

Hun, oh Rachel.

You are so much more than you think, worth so much more than many other people I have met.

You are kind, you are loyal, you are beautiful, you are funny and caring, you are accepting of people in a way that I have never seen.

You are a gorgeous person inside and out hun,
I wish that I could be that inspiration but I know I can't.

I do want you to know that you can do this tough, this school thing. But university is something you have to do for yourself not for anyone else.

I love you, take care.

Amy said...

Sweet Rachel,
You are beautiful, you are enough, you are here for a reason, created with a purpose, and put on this earth to accomplish something no one else can. You are loved, cared for and you matter. I am praying for you sweet girl, I pray you see that face in the mirror the way you should....beautiful, capable, loved.

LegalMist said...

I don't know you, but if the picture at the top of the blog is you, you *are* beautiful, and you are *not* fat.

And even if that photo is not you, please, please, please do not judge yourself by the professionally coiffed & face-painted, airbrushed-to-appear-flawless, and ridiculously (unhealthily) thin models in magazines, on billboards, and on television. Go here & scroll down to the before & after slideshow: You'll see what I mean. Even famous celebrities & models with their hair & face professionally done don't look anywhere near as good as the photos in magazines. And most of them don't look all that fantastic in real life. They look human, with wrinkles & cellulite & facial blemishes & pudgy bellies, like most of us.

As for being depressed and feeling like a failure, you are not alone. Lots of people suffer from depression. Lots of people feel like failures. I have suffered with depression. It is not something you can just "snap out of" just because someone tells you to. I have felt like a failure (sometimes still do, depending on how my day has gone). It is not something that someone else can "fix" for you, and make you feel successful. But if you keep on keepin' on, and try to do a little every day, eventually your small daily accomplishments will add up to you feeling less like a failure and more like a success, or at least like a normal person who has some successes and some failures in life. And that will eventually help you feel less depressed.

There's an old saying: "It's not how many times you fall that matters; it's how many times you get back up that makes you successful." (See also, Smashmouth's cover of an old Scottish drinking song: "I get knocked down, but I get up again, they're never gonna keep me down..." etc). In other words, keep at it. Just take it one day at a time. If you feel like you've been knocked down and are starting to suffocate, make yourself get up, at least for a little while. Whittle down your "to do" list to something manageable, even if some days the only thing you accomplish is a shower and one other thing. But make sure you do something every day. You'll find something, somehow, sometime, that will make things seem better and make you feel, again, that life is worth living.

And because I know this is true (having been there, in the depths of despair, thinking life was not worth living, and now believing emphatically that it is), I encourage you not to do anything drastic. Your line about it maybe being "too late" has me worried that you are contemplating suicide. I hope I am wrong, but if not, I hope you'll consider this: Suicide is irreversible and forecloses all other options. It does not give you a chance to change your mind and decide life was worth living after all. But deciding to live another day, and then another week, and then another month... well, if in ten or twenty years you still think life isn't worth living, then suicide is still an option, right? But I bet if you can make it through another day, another week, another month, another year, you'll find a reason to think life is ok, and maybe even good.

LegalMist said...

(It wouldn't let me post all of this at once - said I had "too many characters." So here's the rest of it. Sorry my comment is longer than your blog post.)


Meanwhile, don't beat yourself up for feeling bad. Just because other people may have it "worse" doesn't mean you can't be sad, too. Your feelings are valid and are real. It's ok to feel them. Just don't do anything drastic, that's all. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. But if it's not actually helping, you might consider finding another.

You say you want someone to believe in you. But you need to also believe in yourself. You *can* make a life worth living for yourself, whether you go to university or not. And if you don't go to university this year, there's always next year, or the year after that. It is not a life-and-death decision at this time. Don't let it scare you, this decision.

For what it's worth (maybe something? maybe not much coming from a complete stranger?), I've read several blog entries, and what I see is an intelligent young woman, with an interesting voice - at least some of the ingredients one needs for success. I believe in you, and I wish you all the best.

Please, believe in yourself. Give yourself a chance.

lauren said...

Darling girl -

I already love you so much. You are so good with words and write so well. I used to think that all those voices in my head (and boy, they sound like the truth) that tell me I'm not pretty enough, not good enough, not worth much...I used to think that was just me thinking those thoughts. But those are thoughts that come from other places - NOT from who you are. Not from your beautiful heart. Someone explained to me that everytime a thought pops into our head, we either tell it that it can stay, or we kick it out. It's our job to decide if it's the truth, and if it is, we agree with it. If it isn't, we have to say to that thought, "No! You are not true! I am _____" and state the truth. Even if you don't feel like it. You are worth so much more than what those awful voices tell you. The only way to get rid of them, and to begin seeing how much you're truly worth, and to be able to see who you REALLY are when you look into the mirror, is to decide to seek the truth about yourself, and not give all those voices a right to be in your mind. Tell them to leave and they will. <3

Anyway. You are so loved. I fully believe that you were created with a specific purpose - to love other people. You are so unique and I pray that you begin to see yourself as beautiful, loved, and outrageously valuable. When all else fails, know that our bodies are temporary but our hearts are forever - and your heart is the most important thing about you. Treasure it. You are worth more than diamonds.

Hugs, kisses and lots of love.

- lauren xoxo

P.S. I read your Sunday post about how when you saw the picture of yourself when it was taken you hated it, and then a year later you saw it again and didn't think you looked bad. Isn't that funny? I am the same way. And years down the road you'll look at it again and think you're even prettier than today. It just goes to show that our perception is not always accurate - and that's why we have to BELIEVE that we are beautiful, even when we can't see it. Because we are. <3

zane said...

It's so easy to be caught up in the moment and to feel like the world is crashing down - I know, I've been there and I still sometimes spend more time there than I'd care to admit. But it gets better - and you're worth the self-belief that time heals, and life goes on, and your path is your own to claim... Let yourself feel, but know that you are worthwhile and have something to offer than no one else can - and that will present itself when you least expect it; you've just got to believe.

Jamie said...

Dear Rachel, I didn't know you before now and I know you don't know me. But I'd really like for you to do me a favor... Get a piece of paper and a pen. Write these words from me to you: "I'm beautiful, amazing, precious, awesome and LOVED."
Post it where you'll see it each day. Believe that it's true and that I mean every word. Then I hope that one day very soon you'll believe it too. You are meant for greatness. Never doubt it, sweet one.
Big love & hugs to you!!!

Amy said...

Rachel -
I don't know you but my heart goes out to you. I lost both my parents in the same year. I ate too much and drank too much. Didn't like myself very much for a while. But I'm learning to - and I'm much older than you are! :-) The fact that you can face your feelings and be honest about them is invaluable. But do NOT be mean to yourself. Love yourself. You are a treasure. There is only one wonderful you on this earth and you are beautiful and talented and loved. Your dress size is the least important thing there is. Your beauty is on the inside, not the outside - everyone's is. You ARE beautiful, though, inside and out. I know times are hard and you are feeling alone and sad. I've felt that way, too. But things DO get better, I promise. Let people reach out to you, and take the time you need to heal and be GOOD to yourself. Look for one little thing every day to celebrate about yourself, like writing your blog. You will feel motivated again ... you can do it. Just take one baby step at a time. Things will be okay again and you are not a fat failure. We all have hard times. I've felt that way before, too, and I've realized with the love and support of people I trust that it's not true. You have so much to offer to the world. Let it shine and admire the things about yourself you cherish most. Sending you thoughts of love and peace.

Becca said...

You are beautiful, and wonderful, and special, I promise you.

As someone who has been through therapy myself, one of the hardest things I've had to learn is its ok to just feel how you feel. Fighting feeling bad just makes you feel worse. Just be good to yourself when you're not feeling at your best, and know you're not alone.

That's what I want you to know the are not alone. You are loved, and cared for.

Anonymous said...

hello :)
i have to write so well! i've read your whole blog and have been completely drawn into what you have to say.
its a tough time for you...i'm sorry but i have no idea how you feel. i've never been in such an situation.
but i admire your courage to express your feelings. even if its a blog! i wouldnt have the power to do that if i was in a situation like yours.
dont give up and remember that everyone is here to help you.
i think you should start writing a story...i love the way you write !

OhMyHeart said...

You are most certainly not fat nor a failure. There is always hope and there is always an opportunity to grow, learn, explore, find yourself, find happiness and love.

I believe in you!

I hope that helps you believe in yourself!

Love, Emma

Kristin said...

Dear Rachel,

I lost my dad when I was 14. I had to grow up fast because my mom had a really hard time dealing with, well, everything. I also felt fat, ugly, and stupid. I was severely depressed and thought about ending it all many times. So I know how you feel. BUT, please hang in there! It will get better and you are special and beautiful. Keep going to counseling. Work hard at school so you can go to college. You can do anything you set your mind to, and college is a great opportunity to start over. You can recreate yourself there. I'm not promising you that your life will magically become perfect. There will always be struggles. But you can deal with it and you can be happy! I'm now 36 years old and although my life isn't how I thought it would be I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

Please believe all these people who are supporting you and hang it there! You can do it. :)


Megan said...

Dear Rachel-

First of all, you are BEAUTIFUL. Don't ever dare think otherwise. You are a beautiful, brilliant, inspiring young woman and you have so much to contribute to this world. You are the only one with your story and you shouldn't be scared to share it with the world, they deserve to hear it. I'll tell you this, everything IS going to be alright, I DO believe in you, and I see no failure here. But the only opinion that truly matter it's your own.

"Are you smiling? It's not about how you look, nor who are you, it's about how you see yourself." And I pray that you see how beautiful and incredible you are. Never give up love, because this world would be so much less without you.

Smile. Stay strong. And know that you are loved & supported more than you know.

Thinking of you always.

Megan Xoxo

andrea said...

dear rachel.

hang in there sweetness.

you are so loved. much more than you can even know.


Anonymous said...

It is never too late for anything! I promise.

Things can get to where they seem so dreary and hopeless but they aren't! There is always a spark of something good, something to look forward to, something happy. Sometimes that spark just isn't very easy to see. That is when you look harder.

And look harder at yourself! You are a true beauty! You have a gorgeous soul and a wonderful, reflective, insightful spirit. Cherish all of that!

Live your life for yourself, not for others. It took me way too long to realize how true and important this is. Learn it now and do it! Your life is YOURS, not anyone else's.

I wish you a beautiful, amazing, joyful day - everyday! Even when you are down, find the good in things. You are a beautiful, loved being!

Love, love, LOVE!

KB :)

P.S. I'm not a family member who has discovered your blog, by the way. I promise! :)

Anonymous said...

You are so strong just by writing this blog. You are also so much more than a bulleted list. You are NOT a failure; you are just working through difficult times. You are NOT fat; you are beautiful inside and out. It's not that the hard times make you stronger, it's that the strength you have shows through even when you're feeling down. Hugs, love and motivation. You inspire people through this blog every day, and we're sending it back to you. <3

Anonymous said...

Oh Rachel,
I could have written that post when I was your age. I was 18 when my dad died, and it was only then that I realized how much his presence in my life was helping me hold things together.

But with help I got through it, and I absolutely love the life I have now. If I can do it, I know you can too. You have so much going for you, including what you see as your weaknesses.

We're all damaged in some way--every single one of us. Damage gives us depth, and not being afraid to let the damage show makes us real.

You're real, and you're absolutely beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you you're not.

Emily said...

Its going to be alright. Because in the end, its always alright, and if its not alright, its not the end. I won't pretend to understand social anxiety, but I know there are people who need the love that you offer, and they are being cheated by not having it. You may not know me or admire me, but I am praying for you. I am sending you good thoughts and feelings and vibes. I am loving you from afar (wow, that wasn't supposed to sound so creepy!)

Just know that there are people who care. If total strangers will leave you comments, imagine what the people who you actually give a chance to know and love you might do!

Peace and Blessings!

Jane Cullen said...

Hey Rachel,

I love your blog. you are honest and write well. You have a lot going for you. Hang in there. You are beautiful and not fat and you seem to be a very genuine and caring person. Sending you lots of love and good wishes

Joe Sorge said...

It is now officially time to keep your chip up! I can hardly imagine all the greatness that you are capable of, that beauty that you won't allow to shine through may very well be your art. Let yourself create, let yourself create for YOU! Not for anyone else. i think you just may find the reasons that you've been searching for to prove to yourself that it's NEVER too late. Because it IS never too late to start fresh. I think you have what it takes to impress yourself and that's the most important first step. Now go, find that you can be happy in anything that you choose. You have so much in front of you and so much time to be happy.

We believe in you!

Han said...

You my lovely are beautiful!!! And don't fear I bet your Nana will be proud of you no matter what you do! I got Es and Us in my A levels and I felt rubbish for ages about them, I was convinced it was the end of the world but let me tell you 7 years later I'm still going :) I know your teachers may make out like it's the end of everything but they are so wrong!

Jeffrey said...

Hi Rachel.

You don't know me, but I completely empathize with you. Dealing with and working through loss is never easy, but you've got a whole community of people who love you and are pulling for you.


Anonymous said...


You're beautiful and fantastic - just from reading your blog, I can see that. The hardest thing about being good at giving advice is that you can never make it apply to yourself - I know, I've been there. But don't give up hope, you lovely, talented, precious girl. There is a tomorrow, and it's brighter and better than you'll have ever imagined. Remember that you were created as a special, unique person, that you are beautiful and wonderful and full of talent and promise, and that you are loved. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I look forward to seeing the amazing things you do with your life.

~Megan E. :)

Angie said...

Dear Rachel,

i don't know you, but I'm Angie and I'm one year younger then you. I know that life in these days can be hard, and I often find myself looking in the mirror and hating what I see, but i'm not going to let life win so easily. There will always be downsides, bad things that happen in your life, but we just have to hang in there, Life will get better, and things will get better too.

You have to start treating yourself with respect, and accept yourself. You are beautiful, no matter what they say or what you see in the mirror. Think happy thoughts everytime a bad thought sneaks into your head.

I think you are gorgeous, and fuck the people who doesn't feel the same.

much love and kisses, Angie

Anonymous said...

Rachel, your name alone means "beautiful in form and countenance"! Life hands us many things we think we cannot handle, but God doesn't give us anything we cannot get through without faith. Let go and tell yourself you are everything you want to be and you will get through this hard time. Know that people out there are thinking of you and praying for your happiness.
Love is sent your way.

Whitney said...

in my life, every time i've gotten one part of my body the way i want it, i immediately turn and start critiquing everything else about myself. If I'm happy with my butt, I'll start tearing down my legs. If I'm happy with my legs, I'll start telling myself what terrible skin I have. In reality, the more I try to define myself by my physical appearance, the more unhappy I become. The more I physically meet my own standards, the more obsessed I become with the way I look and I start to hate myself. The desire for physical perfection in insatiable. If you define your self-worth in that way, you'll always find something to tear down, even if and when no one else sees it.

i've started doing something new whenever i feel old habits creeping up on me... i have a private list of all the lies i've let myself believe. not good enough, not thin enough, not tall enough, not loveable enough. they're all on the list. But seeing them on the list forces me to confront them for what they are - LIES. I hope and pray that you'll begin recognizing and confronting the lies you tell yourself every day... like that you're fat and ugly. I can't state specifics because I don't know you, but you're self-described as "healthy" which likely means you're still quite thin, just not unattractively thin. I look at pictures now of myself at 15 - the thinnest I've ever been and I realize it was honestly gross. My bones jutted out, my eyes were sunk in, and it looked like the slightest touch would break me. There's nothing attractive about that. Healthy is beautiful. It took watching someone else I love follow in my scary, emaciated footsteps before I really understood the damage I was doing to myself physically, emotionally, and relationally. I hope you find healing and comfort soon.

you're valued. for your honesty, your opinions, your life. you're important and deserving and worth MORE than the way you're treating your body when you deprive it of what it needs to keep you going.

all that said, you're already in the second part of your story. you've recognized that you don't have to accept these feelings and you're getting help. knowing that, it is with the utmost confidence that i tell you, from someone who has been there as far as negative body image, counseling, and depression goes: the struggle with body image does not seem to end completely, but you can fight it. you can fight the lies, and you can win. and you will win. and you'll be far more than alright.

Lisa said...

Where to even begin?? How do I encourage you to find a beauty in you that I KNOW is there - anyone who can withstand the pain of loss, write with such beautiful and honest words, and still continue with "real life" is indeed beautiful.

I can only share what I know. I know that middle school and high school were some of the worst years of my life. I had not yet experienced the loss of a family member but had HORRIBLE social situations. I was so desperate for attention that I recall one time trying to play along with someone who was teasing Me!

4 1/2 years ago, we lost my father - at his own hand. I had started to rebuild my life but was devastated by this unexpected tragedy.

Since then (I am now in my early 30's), I have tried so many different "life paths" some would call me crazy. But I like to embrace that life is a whirlwind of possibilities and that those who are able to sit with the fire of pain (such as those situations I mentioned), to breathe in and out no matter how much it hurts, find a strength within themselves that makes exploring those possibilities a journey worth taking.

I admire your honesty, your courage. Please know that there are millions of other people out there crying out inside but who are afraid to show it. YOU give people like me permission to just brilliantly human.

Thank you.
with much love,

e said...

Dear Rachel,
We all think we're hideous, unlovable, disgusting outcasts, but the truth is that this is as much your world as anyone else's. I have to pick myself up every day and get out there into the world because what else will I do, roll around in my bed for days? I'd like to, but then I hate myself even more for it. It's a vicious cycle, but know that there are millions of us out there who feel the way you do, and start feeling the joy...of a puppy licking your face, a kitten in your lap, the fresh air after a rain, a good deep laugh, the feel of warm bread and cold butter in your mouth, the way your soul feels when you feel love. Love yourself, you are of infinite worth.

This world's a blessing and a beast every day. See the blessings as often as the beast, and life will feel better.


Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel,

You are a very articulate and thoughtful young woman. School can be horrible and vicious, and I certainly experienced that and hit rock solid bottom. But, do you know what came out of that experience? Incredible wisdom, amazing perspective, and the deep conviction that it is NEVER too late. Never ever ever.

Embrace your inner beauty--it shines through on this blog!!

You are a miracle. Always remember that.

Anonymous said...

rachel, i feel your pain. it is so easy to feel overwhelmed when you have so many things going on in your life. you don't know me, but i wanted to tell you that you are loved, by so many more people than you realize. i know you are struggling right now, but hang in there. you never know what life holds in store for you, or what incredible thing might be waiting just around the corner for you. praying for strength, courage and guidance for you.

Becca said...

Dear, sweet, beautiful Rachel (hey, that's my sister's name!)!
I've read through a bunch of your blog, and I have to echo what several other people have already said: you write really well! =)
And in regards to not being okay (several posts back), that's okay. Nobody's truly okay *all* the time, if we stop to think about it. I go through periods where I'm not okay for a week but pretend I am. I say I'm fine when really there's something bothering me that I don't feel like sharing.
Hold on to those days where you've felt amazing. Go back to those posts to remind yourself that not every day is crap. Find a way to believe in yourself again, because I believe in you and it would break my heart if you didn't.
And don't ever think you're alone in this struggle. So many other people hide what they're feeling. But by letting it out, you are healing. You're sorting through everything and learning and for that I am glad. And what you said a bunch of posts ago about SAS and helping others, and them helping you? That's great! That's what communities like that are for! It's great you've found one, and I hope you continue to use it.
Sending thoughts and prayers your way! <3

Scott said...

Dear Rachel,

Comparison kills contentment. When you see other people who you think are more beautiful or have it together more than you do, you are fooling yourself. We are all broken, damaged people looking for someone to love and for someone to love us unconditionally. When you begin to see everyone on the same playing field, no one is better than anyone else, you will begin to find your inner beauty and the inner beauty of others.

You are a very talented, gifted person and my wish for you today is that you will begin to let your light shine to those around you and let their light shine on your heart.


Donna said...

Can you close your eyes while you get the haircut? Maybe when you open them you'll see how much better that haircut looks than what you thought.
I may not be someone you admire, but if I were I would tell you I believe in you. I do. If you believed in you, you would feel so much lighter, so much more in control and free, and responsible, and able. Able to do whatever you want.
And me telling you I believe you can do those things is the first step to you believing you can, and then actually doing them.
So, believe in yourself. Even if you don't listen to me, even though I don't know you, there are other people who are saying the same things, and they are right.
Just believe. It's hard at first, and there are times you won't feel like believing, but those other times, when you think you can do anything, they are what makes you look in the mirror and see a beautiful girl.
Keep believing,

Anonymous said...

Hey hun,
You kinda sound just like me when I was your age. I'm 23 now...
I never thought I'd live past the age of 18. I have dealt with eating disorders since I was 10 and to be honest, I still have problems with it... It never goes away but it can get better.
The depression can get better. You have to give yourself the chance to live and know that you deserve every happiness in the world. It's worth it, I swear.
Lots of love,

Carrie Ann said...

Rachel -- I hated high school too and I always felt ugly and fat and like no one liked me. But I'm 28 now, so let me impart a little wisdom. High school means nothing in terms of how the rest of your life is going to go. Everything afterward is so much better -- when you get to go out on your own and become your own person, you'll start to see that you can be anyone you want to be, as cheesy as that sounds. You can do ANYTHING your heart desires. It will get so much better, I promise. Just hold on. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you know, and smarter than you think.

Nicola said...

Rachel - You are so much more than you think, and these comments alone should proved that there are so many people out there who support and love you! Everything will be alright - you may not be able to see it now, but that's because life tends to put big mountains in front of people, but it really will. Just follow your dreams, and don't listen to those who tell you "no". I totally understand where you are coming from, as for so many years I have felt the same way about myself, and i am by no means a totally different person now, but everything is getting better - and I hope and KNOW the same will happen for you.
Take care :)

sophanne said...

Dear Rachel-
I believe in you! I have known many young girls in your exact situation. My niece in fact, lost her father when she was 15, began with an eating disorder and then began cutting. She is now a happy healthy college junior. It was a dark time for her and she had to work so hard to come out of it but it's not impossible. Ride the waves of sad/anxious/self-hate and the occasional happy may come your way. Know that there are thousands like you who have survived this and you can too!

Michelle (michabella) said...

Rachel, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Inside and out. Everything IS going to be alright. I believe in you! You can do this. Do it for your Dad. He lives in your heart. He is always with you. Sending much love and prayer your way <333

Lori said...


What you may not realize is that you ARE beautiful! You've been through such a tough situation and given the fact that you're young, it's a double whammy! What I can tell you is that, believe it or not, you WILL pull through this and afterward you WILL be so much stronger.

My daughter went through a difficult time with a life altering illness and then a major move all from age 12 to 15. She said it was the most difficult time of her life, but looking back she's glad for what she went through because she's stronger today and knows that things do have a way of working out.

Hold on. Take everyone's advise. There truly IS a light at the end of the tunnel. :)

With much love, prayer, and hugs,

Anonymous said...

Rachel, please don't feel this way. :( It hurts me to know that you feel this way. You're so beautiful, believe in yourself! You're not fat or ugly, you're absolutely amazing. It's never too late. Okay, love? This is your life, it's your world, take control of it and make it amazing! You only get to live once, right?
Please promise me that you'll believe in yourself.



raymond Thimmes said...

God loves you. Period.
Your worries are real, your complaints are real.. your life is real but you are loved. Your worries are temporary. The love we have for you is eternal.
Never forget that.

Anonymous said...

please don't feel like this, love.
you have people who love you and support you (here on the internet and in your life).
don't give up. you're beautiful. remember that.
you WILL get into uni.

believe in yourself and everything will be fine. take it one day at a time.


Anonymous said...

Hi, Rachel,

I just wanted to say you're not fat or ugly, and whatever you think is your fault, probably isn't. I know you feel worthless and depressed, but you're not worthless. And it's okay to feel sad. We don't know each other, but if you ever need someone to talk to, you can e-mail me at or IM me on AIM (OMGxpixiexstixx).

we're all here for you :)


Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel,

You are so close! Don't give up, now! Teen years are tough...really, really, tough. You are about to leave all that behind you and enter the next phase of life. Whether you plan to work or start college, your life will start to become more of your own. You'll get to make a lot more decisions. You'll get to change a lot of the things in your life. ...and, yes, you'll be responsible for bad choices you make for yourself...but consequences from decisions you made for yourself are MUCH easier to deal with!

I share so much of your pain: I lost my dad a few years ago and have a strained-at-best relationship with my mom. I get through it all with the support of other family members and friends. And, michabella is right: your dad's spirit can live on through you.

We are all here to support you.

with warm thoughts of comfort and support,

Anonymous said...

I really want to keep this about you - but want to preface that my step-son killed himself 3 years ago. The same year a cousin and my daughter's sister started telling my other daugher she was fat (she wasn't). She had the genetic makeup for EDNOS - went down hill slowly then at snowball pace - spending 2 months in a psychiatric hospital for Eating Disorders. She hates that I keep on her about eating or try to hint she is thin (she is).

Bottom line - you are the only one that can make the changes you want in your life.
Many will be well wishers - they will try to tell you what THEY see when they look at you. Don't fault them for it - they don't know better.

But I can pray for you.

I won't tell you you're beautiful because you will have a different opinion.
I won't tell you you are thin because you'll disagree with the mirror.

But I will tell you that all these messages you've received are answers to your plea:
what I need is some inspiration. I need someone I admire to tell me every thing's going to be alright. That they believe in me. That I'm not the fat failure I think I am.

Dear Rachel - it is NEVER too late.

May God bless you and strengthen you. Protect your mind, body and spirit and chase away all the bad thoughts.

PS - I am not a relative and no one you know.

~Kristina said...

Hi Rachel,
You are strong enough to overcome anything. Embrace silence, nurture creativity, seach for an outlet but don't give up.
Look beyond what you see in the mirror deep into your eyes and see your soul. You are beautiful. You are worth it. You are living life and that makes all the difference.

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful, I wish every girl in the world could see this. God created you just the way you and he calls you beautiful, don't dumb down his perfect creation, YOU.

I will pray for you and just by reading this blog post I think you can see God's hand in this, he wants you to know how much you're loved, how cherished you are, he doesn't ever want you to think it's too late.

Katherine Michael said...


You are not a fat failure. I struggled with the same type of issues in High School. Remember the 100% truth that you are uniquely you for a reason. Embrace who you are created to be rather than a constant comparison of yourself to others. (That was what always made things worse for me). Take each day head on and realize that there are always people who love you. always people who care for you. and there will always be someone willing to go further for you than you would for yourself.


Laurel said...

Hey Rachel,
I have some experience with Body Dismorphic Disorder. I never had a full-blown eating disorder, but I know what it's like to never be satisfied with your body, no matter what you do. In my experience, it gets a lot easier to deal with if you get help. I learned to ignore the suspicions and paranoia about my body and people who I once thought were always staring at me and judging me.
I don't really know what else to say. I never really know what to say when talking to other people with body issues. I'm sorry if anything I said offended you, I have a hard time judging what is and isn't appropriate to say when it comes to this.
Best of luck,

quinn said...

hi rachel lovely :) you, girly, are very strong nd brave nd beautiful, k? i won't take no for an answer on that one ;) recently i was "love bombed" too nd it's a crazy experience bt fab too so i imagine you're a little in shock ...also, i hav a ed too (anorexia) nd it sucks bt honestly dearie, it is going to be alright. somehow, some way ...we've made it this far, why not all the way? take care, here if you need me :) love quinn x xx

Caitlin said...

Try and stay strong. I know that life can be challenging but in the end all that you overcome will help shape you into the wonderful woman that you are meant to become. Take care of yourself.


Landon and Kylie said...


Every thing's going to be alright. I believe in you. You are NOT the fat failure you think you are.

I truly believe that.

Julie said...


You have a whole community here rooting for you and believing in you! I hope that one day soon, you will see your own tremendous value!

I know that you are at a point in your life where it feels like everyone is looking to you to have your whole future figured out and not having those answers can make you feel even more lost. Please know that your life does not need to be decided at 18. I'm sure that your Nana will be more proud to see you thrive at a school and with the people that make you happy than to see you struggle at the school she wants you to attend.

I was thinking about the haircut that you want to get. If your hair is long enough (and you are willing to cut it short enough) there are a number of organizations that you can donate it to to be made into wigs for cancer patients. If you did that, perhaps it might make it easier for you to look in the mirror for half an hour at the beautiful face of someone who is helping someone else feel beautiful too.

Always remember that you are loved!

Larboz said...

Hi Rachel!
There are people thousands of miles away from you that love you! (How cool is that?)

Being a teenager sucks. Having social anxiety sucks. and that's just separately! Having them together really sucks! I was there. My cousin was there... probably more then me.

But these things are just lifes crappy way of helping you deal with uncertainty and pain. From what I can see your blogging is helping you do that. As a matter of fact I think that your an excellent writer. Keep putting things into words. People are watching. and these are people that care!

Know that they love you and that God loves you.

As far as fat or ugly. You looks like a skinny teen redhead girl to me. Give yourself a few years once this teenage hormone crap is over with trust me.. your gonna be extra beautiful!

Take care of yourself. Done be too pissed at Mom, and keep up the coping. Your gonna be fine.

alex said...

It has been said in these comments already, but it should be said again: you are a beautiful and incredible person.

There are better and brighter days. I count several people suffering from social anxiety amongst my dear friends. They have good days and bad (just like everyone) but seeing how far they have come makes my heart just glow with happiness.

Where you are right now may feel like a pit, but it's actually a tunnel. There is another end to it, and there is more light at that other end. Just keep hanging in there and you'll get there soon.

As for Uni, just remind your Nana (and yourself) that some of the richest people in the world haven't gone to Uni. Success in life isn't defined just by school.

For me, I've always had trouble sharing my feelings. Your courage in writing this blog is an inspiration to me. Thank you.

You are a beautiful person and you are loved.

Anonymous said...

You are wonderful!! Look in the mirror and look at your beautiful face. Please don't compare yourself to the actresses and models out there, they are fake. Have you seen them without make up? You are a great person inside, I know it. Embrace who you are. One day you will find someone who loves that you inside. :)

Always try to be positive, it makes life easier. Trust me, I knwo from experience.

Lori said...

You are beautiful. You are love.
You are courageous. You are strong.
I love you.

alovelylittleworld said...

I totally think your pretty! I can't even believe you don't! Your eyes are so lovely and freckles are adorable (I know I have them hehe).

Laura said...

you are beautiful. you are loved. you are strong. you are radiant. you are so many wonderful things that you have yet to realize.

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

Hi, Rachel,

My name is Megan, and in you (through this blog) I see pieces of myself. You are born complete, and you are eternally lovable. That is a given, although I recognize how hard it is to let those words sink in when you're feeling the way you are. I am here to tell you that the pit you're in now is just that: a pit. You tripped and fell into it, or maybe you eased yourself down into its darkness over a long period of time. Whatever the case, I get it. I so very much "get" it.

I had an eating disorder and practically hated who I saw in the mirror - what my mind led me to believe was "me" - starting when I was 14. I'm 34 now, and I can tell you that it does get better. MUCH better. I look at myself now and think, "Wow, that's one sexy looking body." Or "What a beautiful face I have!" I got here by taking one step at a time... sometimes it was two steps forward, one and three-quarters steps back, but all steps add up over time.

You are a beautiful girl, and you have a lifetime in which to express the perfect creation you are. God (or the Divine) doesn't make mistakes. You are here for a reason, and we all need you. What's more, you are loved beyond compare. You might not feel all the love flowing your way right now, but believe me, it's there. All you have to do is open your heart to it, and turn your mind down a bit. The monkeys in your mind are trying to convince you you're something you're not. They're trying to keep you down, but your heart... Well, your heart knows the "real you." And that real you is like the sun: powerful, bright, warming and eternal.

Shine on, dear heart.

I love you,

Kim Mailhot said...

Hi Rachel !
You must be completely blown away by the out pouring of love and support from a bunch of strangers! Isn't this Blogland thing amazing ? I am so glad that you have been chose to be LOVE BOMBED !
You know, every single one of us on this planet, young and old and in between, is on a quest to feel whole, to feel connected and to feel like we are okay. Guess what ? We are. Right this very second, we are completely enough. We are okay. We are loved by someone and we love someone in return. This very moment is the one we can be sure of, and in this very moment, it is all okay. Keep looking for the good, Girl, because there is so much of it around and in you. It will be the tool you need to get you through.
Now get yourself a hug from someone you love. It is all okay.
Warmly and in friendship,

Anonymous said...

Hey Rachel,

Actually, getting your hair cut might give you a little boost. One of the things I do when I feel shitty is get my hair done, or something else to change how I look, so that I feel a little better about myself. It could be something simple like buying a new tee shirt or just doing my hair a different way. Plus, you don't have to look in the mirror while you get it done.

I'm sorry you didn't get into uni. There are other schools you can apply to, though, and even if you're not up to applying, you can take a semester off and do something else, like travel or work on a personal project (like writing a novel or working on a photography portfolio), or just enjoy not being stressed out. I'm sure that whatever you do, it will be awesome, and that whatever school you choose to apply to next will take you.

I know how you feel, though. I used to think I was ugly and worthless. It's so hard to fight those thoughts. But keep fighting, because you are not any of those things. You have so much ahead of you in life. Hang in there and keep on fighting.

If you need to talk, you can email me at or get me on AIM at leave the czar.


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I went through a time in my life where all I thought about was hurting myself...trying to think of ways to get others to see just how badly I was hurting. It didn't work.
I still struggle with self esteem issues.
And I know we can all say this until we're blue in the face, but you ARE beautiful. Until you realize that for yourself though, you aren't going to believe it.
Whatever you do, please realize that you are worth so much...and you still have a mark to leave on this world. You WILL pull out of this...but you have to remain strong and not do it for anyone but YOURSELF. YOU are the only one that should matter...forget what the rest of the world thinks.
You are not alone...ever.

Anonymous said...


You don't know me and I don't know you, but I am here to tell you, you are enough. You are here and you are enough. School can be so rough, life can is tough at times but there is so much beauty and strength pulled from the hard times. There are amazing roads ahead that you have yet to explore, that you can't even fathom yet. I know this because I've been in horrible, horrible family messes, I've been abused and I have felt unloved and unworthy, yet somehow I have always found my way and even learned to enojoy life. I wish this for you, love, support and happiness.

Be well.

Natasha said...

You don't know me, so I'm not what you meant by "someone I admire", but I believe in you. I really, really do. You are so much more beautiful than you know and I hope you see that some time soon.

I LOVED the recent post where you said you found a picture from a year ago and now you like it much more than you used to. It shows that just because right now you believe you're ugly, it doesn't make it true. So I really hope that soon you'll see a picture of how you look right now, and you'll think "Hey, that's not so bad!" Because Rachel you really are beautiful.

Like I said, you don't know me, but I've read several of your blog posts and I do not think you are a failure in the slightest. Promise. In fact I think you sound really awesome, and I can tell from your writing that you're smart too. And you write so, so well!

I read your most recent post that said you had a really good night, and I'm glad. You deserve to :) I hope the happiness continues! And I think it's fantastic that you went to a counselling session - already that shows so much strength on your part. I'm glad you got along well with the counsellor but I'm sorry your trust was betrayed. Your counsellor was looking out for you but your mum shouldn't have said anything.

I want to leave you with this link - - something you wrote last month. And know that you are in my prayers.

Love, Natasha x

Sherri said...

Hi Rachel,

I want you to know you're not alone. You are going through a very tough time right now and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you.

When I'm down, beating myself up I turn to gratitude. When I feel anger, insecurity, jealousy etc ... I stop myself in my tracks and quickly list off things that I am truly grateful for. With time the feelings fade quickly.

There are a lot of things you have to be grateful for: You can write well, you have a Nana that obviously cares about you, the family and friends that are in your life, your inner and outer beauty, the list goes on and on!

We're all flawed yes ALL OF US. Take things one small step at a time. Look forward, do amazing things and let your light shine.

You're in my thoughts and I wish you all the best,

Anonymous said...

I'm probably not someone you admire, but know that everything will be alright. You are a wonderful person and God has a much bigger picture that he wants you to be a part of.

Miranda said...

I believe in you. I KNOW you can do anything you set your heart and mind to.
And everything is going to be okay.
I'm not going to kid you, it's going to be a hard and long journey. But at the end of it all, it's worth it.
Life can and will get better. So hold on.

I'll be praying for you, dear.
And remember,
You're beautiful.
You're loved.
You're capable.

You're an incredible person and I hate to see you put yourself down to everything you're not.

I love YOU. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

augustcanfly said...

You're incredible. I know because you're sitting here, reading this. Despite what you think, you are gorgeous, and witty, and a wonderful human being. You're cutting yourself short of how amazing you truly are! Living was never easy, and with all your troubles you sure are putting up a strong fight. Turn your head to the window, and face the light. Look around, we're all behind you.

You are awesome.

Lillian Chang said...

Rachel -
I don't know you personally, and you don't know me...but I hope my words will still hold some meaning for you: Everything will be okay.
You are so much more, so unique and special. We need YOU in this world. Because you have your own beautiful things to offer to the world, and believe me, we need it!
Like I said, I don't know you, but this much I do know - you have the courage to share your thoughts to the world on this blog. You have so much depth within you. That's already so much more than most people could hope for. You are providing the world with your beautiful thoughts, and the world is responding! :)
Stay strong. You are beautiful. You are needed. You are loved.
Always remember that.

Birdie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I beat the blues by finding things I am grateful for. I went 4 months without any income or job and I managed through it some how. Every day I was grateful for my warm bed, my home, healthy food to eat, the job I was going to get someday, the friends I would meet someday etc.etc. I held tight to all the good things to come and I know you can do the same. People that go through this much pain do so because they have so much to offer the world, they just don't quite know how. Your turn is coming if just follow the synchronicity of events. Great, great blessings to you!

Anonymous said...

Rachel -

Hi. I hate that you are dealing with body image. Every day, if we allow it, our minds are filled with millions of images of what corporate America says "beautiful" is. They are wrong. Beautiful can never be boxed in like that. I struggled with eating disorders for almost eight years, so I know what you are going through. I would encourage you to not let those images, ads, etc. around you. It does make a huge difference. Seek out women of every size and see what is beautiful about them. True beauty goes deeper than our outward appearance. The Bible tells us beauty is fleeting. And it is. Remember, someday we will all be old, wrinkly and gray and what will we have to say then? Do we want to look back on a life of chasing the unattainable beauty the media puts before us?

Your life is what you make it. It's going to be hard. Life isn't easy and there's no guarantees about anything. I always try to remember there's people that have it worse than me. That doesn't make your feeling invalid but make it a point to focus on something good each day. Changing your thinking is a huge step in feeling better. And it's a never ending thing. I'm twenty-five now and I'm still learning this stuff.

Remember, life is a blessing. Even when it doesn't seem like it ... being alive is always better than not. While your alive you can still change things, laugh, love and be loved. When you are dead you lose all chances of changing your situation. This time in your life may be very hard and trying, but this season of your life is not your whole life. You have much to look forward to Rachel. I'm sure in your future there is some laughing, friendships, and memories more happy than you can imagine. Please don't give up now. Living is worth the fight dear, I promise you that.

I will be praying for you Rachel.

Rachel said...

Rachel (We have the same name!)--

I lost my dad when I was 17 and it felt like my whole world fell apart. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends didn't support me the way that they should have. And that lead to some major depression for me.

It's been 5 years now and you need to believe me when I say that it WILL get better. Grieving is a process. And at times it can get really bad. I had mornings where I would wake up crying BECAUSE I had woken up. I was also never more unhappy with my body. Yet somehow I got through it. Now I'm 22 and my body may not be perfect but for the first time I love it. And I'm more at peace with my father's death that I've ever been.

There's a play called Rabbit Hole by David Lindsay-Abaire. It's about grief and the different ways people experience it. In one scene, a character describes grief as a giant brick in your pocket. At first it seems like too much to handle. But as time goes by, the brick gets smaller. It never goes away, but it gets smaller and easier to carry until one day you forget you're carrying it all together. But every once in awhile you reach you hand into your pocket and you realize, "Oh. There's that brick."

You will, unfortunately, have bad days (I call them "Dad Days") and the grief will feel fresh again. But the feelings won't last as long and there truly are many days that I forget I'm carrying my brick. Don't lose hope.

One of my favorite professors said that sometimes you need to take things a day at a time and sometimes you need to take things five minutes at a time. It is perfectly acceptable to do just that.

For whatever it's worth, I believe in you. I really do. You should know that you're not alone, sweet girl. So many people are carrying their bricks and you can find peace and support in them.

And remember that you are loved.

So many hugs,

Kristen said...

Awwww...Sweetheart! Oh how I understand what you are going through - even though I can't claim that I have gone through it myself. But you sound so much like my 16 year old daughter! She definitely does not understand how beautiful she is either, and she also has social anxiety. Is failing school miserably, and can barely stand to go because it is all just too much sometimes. So I see your struggle every day through my daughter.

What I want you to know is that you ARE beautiful! We, as women, carry our beauty all about us and yours shines through and will continue to. Just remember that beauty is confidence and confidence is beautiful. You WILL find it as you grow and realize your potential.

I want you to know that my life was an unconventional one as well. I struggled with body image issues, I had an absent father, I was a teen mom and a high school dropout. All of those things I went through shaped me into the person I am today.

Those of us that struggle the most, are the ones that have the most potential for greatness! By going through these difficulties you will come out the other side so much stronger and confident in YOU. You will eventually look back and realize that you went through those struggles so YOU could be a source of inspiration to someone else that is struggling as you are right now!!!!!! Know that, believe it!!!

You may not know me, but let me tell ya this in closing - you ARE worth this! You are NOT a failure! You are NOT fat! But most of all - everything IS going to be alright!!!!!!!

Hugs sweet girl!! We're all here for you!

Emma said...

Rachel you don't know me, but still I believe, strongly believe, that you are beautiful, you are enough, you are strong, and yes, everything's gonna be alright.

Hugs from Europe :-)

Chicory Blue said...

You are beautiful
You are loved
You are amazing.


Eleanor said...

Rachel! You are such an amazing person! With every thing you have had to deal with in life: look! You are HANDLING it! I know it's hard, but you're still living day to day and that is what counts! Stay strong! You are loved, amazing and absolutely gorgeous!


Anonymous said...

When I was your age, I didn't appreciate what I had in life. I couldn't wait to be done with high school and had very rocky relationships with all of my family. I focused on the negative and failed to realize all the gifts that were in my life. A year later I fell horribly ill and found out I had a chronic digestive disease.

I have been ill for over 5 1/2 years now and have discovered some huge lessons in life that I would like to share with you. Most of the time I have been ill, I have either been fighting for my life in the hospital, bed-ridden, or only able to go out on short trips in which I constantly had to be near a bathroom. There are so many things I cannot even do if I wanted to anymore. This has taught me to appreciate the smaller things in life. The way the morning sun comes through the windows and fills my house with light. The days I am well enough to go outside and feel the cool breeze or the warm sun or the rain or whatever weather is there that day...

I wish often that I could at least do the things I used to hate, like sitting and getting my haircut for an hour (I cannot), like running errands myself without being dependent on others to do everything for me. The funny thing is, that I LOVE MY LIFE now more than ever before. It took me a long time to stop being angry I was so sick, but then I learned that things could always be worse. I learned to love the things I have now.

I would like to end with a quote in hopes that you might say it to yourself whenever you are feeling sad or unhappy. To master the feeling of gratefulness is a difficult thing, but once you do, it will repay you with a life of happiness and inner peace!

"Instead of being sad that the rosebush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses." ~Proverb

Love to you, my friend. You are of value to many people. Make life your garden and grow some beautiful roses :)

Birdie said...

Hello lovely:) These dark days will pass. Life is yours, so don't waste it!! Grab it, live it, bask in it and embrace everything!

Anonymous said...

Rachel, I might not be someone you admire, or even someone you know, but one thing I need to tell you is everything is going to be alright, not matter how hard things may seems right now, as cliche'd as it may sound, everything does happen for a reason and everything and everybody is hoping that you get on the right track, and continue to live your life the way YOU want it. You are beautiful, and you're so incredibly strong that it breaks my heart to see someone like you being able to cope after everything that has happened in your life when you're so young. If I could give you a huge hug right now, believe me I would, but just know that an awful lot of people are thinking about you and praying with all their hearts that things will get better :)


Sarah said...

Rachel, please stay strong. As you can see there are many, many people who appreciate your life. We love you, dear.

Lisa said...

Hello Rachel,

You don't know me, and I don't know you but please know that there is someone who thinks about you far away. Although I don't know what it's like to lose a parent (yet), I can honestly say that things get better. I wish I knew then what I know now and I want you to feel the same. What I know now is loving myself means the world and that everything I told myself all those years were a lie. Sure, I have a chance to look back and say wow, that sucked but you know what I made it through to the person I'm supposed to be. Although still a work in progress the heavy lifting part is done. Find support, cherish close friends and family, stay open to people. Love yourself as you are a beautiful, thoughtful, emotional, smart girl who has so much to offer this world. Give yourself a chance and just see where that new path leads you.

I adore you from what I've read so far and I can honestly say any one of us can relate to something you share on this blog. Keep sharing and open up the possibility that you are enough. You will continue to grow and learn so many new things about yourself. I can not tell you how much you'll learn in the next few years... it's amazing. When you look in the mirror instead of thinking the negative thoughts try one positive each day and continue to increase that one thought to two positive thoughts and so on.

I believe in you and my wish is for you to be happy and know you're enough.


Anonymous said...

Rachel - you are bold, brave and beautiful! Loss is scary and tremendously overwhelming but NOT impossible to move on and learn from it. I've lived your life, your words are mine, we are the same and I am telling you that you are going to grow and thrive and flourish as a young woman today and in the future. Your life is worth so much more than how you are judging yourself.
Know that many people love you because of you and are rooting and cheering you on! Brave, beautiful, bold Rachel, read these words and know that you are good enough, strong enough and brave enough to be your true self and that is all that matters.

Alia said...

Hello sweet girl, this life has so much to offer you! These hard days will pass! I am thinking and praying for you! xoxo

Jenn Clark said...

Hi, Rachel! Before commenting I looked through your blog a little. I was really surprised to see the pictures of the models that you labeled as "beautiful" and "gorgeous" because they are so disgustingly scrawny and ugly! They look starved and icky. In fact, they reminded me of pictures of the holocaust. And besides, they have no chest whatsoever. :) Girl, a real woman is more beautiful than them any day. YOU are more beautiful than them any day. I am not kidding. I'm pretty sure that you're going to read this and forget all about it or roll your eyes, but I am telling you the truth! And I hope that you can get the right help to be able to recognize that. Your ARE beautiful. You can be strong! You keep saying what you're not, so pick something and change that today! I think you're a lot stronger than you realize. You had the courage already to get some counseling, to admit your faults, to write about your feelings.... add one more thing to the list! There are lots of people cheering for you and rooting for you. You can do it!
I'm wishing you the best and will pray for you to exercise the strength you already have. Love,

Anonymous said...

You are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful person. It makes me so sad to know that you're upset, that you're feeling lost and hopeless. It's never too late.

I can't say that I know what you're going through---I can only imagine. But I know how it feels to feel so alone, looking for someone to tell you that it will be all right. It WILL be, if you keep going. You are an amazing and beautiful person, and you are stronger than you think you are. You CAN make it through.

I've had to deal with feeling guilty for feeling so inadequate, or feeling so upset, when other people had "real" problems to deal with. Your feelings ARE real, your problems ARE real, and you shouldn't feel guilty for what you feel.

On one of your older posts, you said "But life is one beautiful struggle and it's worth every minute." That is now one of my favorite quotes.

Life still is a beautiful struggle. So keep struggling, and never forget how beautiful life is...and how beautiful you are.

Love and Prayers,


sara said...

Rachel -

You are so young to have to go through so much. You are stronger than you realize. I promise you that you will look back at this time and realize that you were neither "ugly" nor "fat". You are a beautiful young girl with such passion, heart, and talent. Keep writing. Keep believing.

I believe in you and hope that someday soon you can see yourself the way the rest of us do.


Anonymous said...

Everything *will* be ok. Maybe not right this second, or maybe little glimpses of happiness won't last, but it's ok, you're ok and you are by far from fat. You're going to make it. I have faith.

trulytrayce said...

Oh Rachel, to be 17 again! What I've learned is that even though you may have some tragic and heartbreaking things happen to you at such a young age, know that you ARE strong. YOU ARE beautiful and you WILL survive all of this. You MUST believe that (even though you don't know me) you must know I'm listening and so many others here are too. Also do not be paranoid about all of these "anonymous" comments...we all just want to INSPIRE you and let you know that you are worth each and every one of them.

Much love...xo Trayce

Meg Goodmanson said...

Hi Rachel,
You will get through this. Don't give up. You're in a dark place right now, I know, but you'll make it out and things will get so much better. You can do it.


Anonymous said...

Smile. You deserve nothing less.

Anonymous said...


You deserve nothing by the best in your life and for yourself. NEVER SETTLE for nothing but the BEST! You have it within you to overcome the chanllengs you have faced. Life is not fair, but in the end it all works out! Know that so many people love you and look up to you.

Hang in there!

Mr. Superman & Mrs. S. said...

Rachel, I've been there. I have. The self doubt, eating disorders, self harm, lack of motivation... everything. There is a way out. Its Faith. Its knowledge. Its faith and knowledge in the fact that you ARE beautiful, you ARE enough, you ARE capable, you ARE worth it, and you ARE so much more than what you believe. You can do this, you will succeed. Its difficult but happiness takes time. It also takes faith and belief and strength. When you feel too weak, call on Him and He will help. I also want you to know that I am here. To talk, to listen, to help. Much love beautiful girl!


Joy said...

Rachel, you've been through so much. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

You are good enough. You are wonderful and you are brave and you are strong.

Jeannette said...

It takes a whole lot of guts to put this all out there, even if it is behind a wall of anonymity. I know what you are going through is hard. Of course, I can never know about your specific situation, but I had one similar and I want to tell you it will all work out. You are a strong young woman and you'll make it! I know it's hard not to be so cruel to yourself, I remember having days just like the one you are describing now; but it will get better. I know you can make it through this rough time and it will make you all the better of a person.

I love you and believe in you.


Sofie said...

Dear Rachel,

You don't know me, and I only know you from this blog post and a picture that can only show your outer beauty. You appear to be a smart, self-aware and caring person and that's more than can be said from other people. You think you're flawed, and as you are human, you probably are. Being aware of it, you try to become a better human and this is amazing in it's own right. Don't make that quest for perfection be your goal in life but make life itself your goal. Being yourself will please so many people already. Imagine what you could do if you were happy. I'm aware that you are going through an incredibly rough time, with challenges so hard most people can barely handle the thought. My prayers and thoughts go to you. I know you have the strenght to handle everything on your way, you are showing that already.


Andrea said...


You are loved!

I know that sometimes it is hard to see the way out of the day to day stuff going on around you and inside of you. Just know that you will, one little step at a time. I wish I could give you a time table, everything hard is much easier to deal with when you know when it will end.

Sending you peace for your heart,

Anonymous said...


I am 41 years old and all I can tell you is that no one could ever pay me to go through my teen years again. I was incredibly insecure and wasted a lot of my youth worrying about what other people thought of me, my weight, my clothes, you name it.

I feel quite certain that you are going to find your way through this. What other people think and say in the end does not matter. You must believe you are here on this earth for a reason (even though maybe you haven't figured it out yet). When you get though school there are so many paths out there for you to take. Keep your head up, your eyes open, make good choices and you'll find yourself in such a better place. Find a doctor, a counselor... someone you can talk to if you aren't comfortable confiding in your immediate family.

You can do this.

xo, Kirsten

Jessica said...

You have been through so much in your lifetime. While it may be hard now, just know that you are beautiful, you are worth more than you think you are, and you are strong enough! You WILL be happy. Look at yourself in the mirror, smile and say "I am beautiful."

Kristen said...

Don't give up. It's just the weight of the world. You are loved. You are worth more than any model any day because you are real. Models are so fake looking. But you are a beautiful young woman who is becoming more and more beautiful every day. You are made unique, different than anyone else and are worth no less than any one no matter how thin they are.
I know that you will get through this. I will pray for God to give you the strength to get through this and I know that He will because He loves you and made you.

Sarah said...


You ARE beautiful. We are reading. We are here as support and motivation to see yourself as the wonderful person you really are.

Sending peaceful vibes your way.

Allison Bradford said...

Oh Rachel,
What I would do to be able to sit beside you and tell you over and over and over again how beautiful you truly are.

I have struggled with eating disorders and terrible body image my whole life, it's even still a struggle for me today. It's hard to listen when people tell you you are beautiful, because it's far from what you see.

Please know that no matter where you are or what you are doing in your life, you are loved. You are loved by people that you don't even know, people who want to see you succeed, overcome and conquer this time in your life. Know that beauty is not only skin deep. Know that you're heart and mind are very beautiful as well, and accept who you are and who God created you to be. This is all a part of your life story, one that will hopefully someday change somebody else's life.

Stay encouraged throughout the day today. Know you're being thought about, prayed for, and I hope that today is the day you finally feel strong again.

Today is your day, love <3

lattermild said...

We are rooting for you!

ljkc said...

Everything's going to be alright.

I believe in you.

You are not who you think you are.

The best is yet to come... :)


Anonymous said...


i know that it may seem like you're stuck at the bottom of a pit that just keeps growing, like life is piling up against you to the point where there's no way out- but remember: every day is a new day. you cannot forget what happened the day before, but when you wake up, consider it a brand new start.

my heart goes out to you because i used to feel unlovable, overweight, outcast- and i lived my life that way. dropped out of school, drank too much, gave my time to people who were terrible to me... and the funny thing is i had no idea how much people loved me. and i know you're in the same boat, you just haven't seen yet how awesome and amazing a person you are!!! i'm sure of it because it takes incredible strength to get through such difficult things. there is a light in you that never goes out.

if nothing else today, know that you are loved. and be proud of your incredible strength. be proud that you are an amazing writer and that so many people are moved by your words. you have all the time in the world to figure out where you're going in life, don't worry about that yet. just take it one day at a time and practice forgiving yourself. practice caring less about things that don't matter. we believe in you.

one thing i've learned is that going out of your way to help others (along with being nicer to myself) helped me feel a lot better. kindness gives you a purpose!


Kristin Ross said...

Everything's going to be all right.

I don't know you, but I believe in you.

You're not a failure. Stop thinking about body type. What matters is your heart and you've got way more than enough in there.

Hang in there.


Alise said...

Hey there! It's easy to beat up on yourself, much harder to see the beauty and good that you have to offer. So let us see that for you and you soak in it.

You're important. You have value. You have worth. You are beautiful. You are unique.

Be loved!

Christine Hansen said...

Rachel-Sweetie, I wish I could give you a big hug and make you a cuppa tea.

It WILL be OK, because it always is.

The one thing you must NEVER give up on is yourself.

The Divine placed you on this planet for a reason - it's quite possible that you haven't been here long enough to figure it out. gotta stick around Girl, so you CAN figure it out.

As a mom, my greatest hope is that my kids will live their lives to the fullest...and I know that's what your dad would have wanted too.

I suspect that your mom is in a bunch of pain herself, and she might be afraid to talk with you for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Rachel, you are in the midst of a rough patch, but YOU are not stuck there forever. YOU are a strong, beautiful, powerful woman with incredible adventures awaiting you in the future. YOU will meet wonderful people who will "get" you, and YOU will do amazing things. Trust me on this.

And yes, I think you should go get a KILLER haircut - it's amazing how much better you'll feel about yourself! xoxo, c

Katrina said...

First of all, Rachel, the picture of you and the kitten at the top? Absolutely adorable. :) You've got gorgeous skin, shining eyes, and it looks like a heart that definitely matches both.

Chin up!

heather said...

Rachel, You don't know me but I just wanted to say that you are beautiful and amazing.. I would love if you wrote this comment down and whenever you felt bad just look and it... I believe in you and never give up <#

Raven said...

I've spent the last 20 minutes going through some of your older posts, just to get a feel for who you are. You posted some fantastic photo projects. You are beautiful. Your hair is exactly the color that I wanted mine to be when I was your age. It's a dark brown, almost black, but I hated it until I was in my mid-twenties. Now I've come to accept it, and the rest of my body, as an important part of who I am.

Your body is a gift. It is strong enough to carry you to the places you want to go. It protects your organs and houses your soul. Your mind is sharp (I can tell from your writing) and while your emotions are clearly raw and you're hurting, those are all important signs that you are human. We all hurt sometimes and it can be absolutely overwhelming.

The teenage years are the hardest to get through, because your peers can be so mean and hurtful and confusing. I won't say that I know what you're going through, because each painful or joyful experience is unique to ourselves. However, it hurts me to see that you're hurting so much. Please know that you are loved and, more importantly, that you ARE lovable. You are worthy of so much joy & wonder. You just have to accept within yourself that you are. I know that those words are much easier said than done, but self acceptance and self love are the keys to joy and happiness.

Love and blessings to you!!

Brooklyn said...

You are a beautiful person and I care about you.

Anonymous said...

I know you don't know me but I am proud of you, when I was your age (which was only a few years ago) I was miserable with self harm and self doubt and image issues, I absolutely hated high school and would never in a million years go back! But I never talked about it..

Here you are acknowledging your thoughts and feelings and actions and that is the biggest step.

To beat it I had to force myself to get out of bed in the morning and try to find something that I enjoyed with some upbeat music on. It took a while but I got there, and you will too..

I know right now you feel like it's not worth it, but soon you'll see that these years aren't the end, not even close, that you have so much more left ahead of you and you have to want it!!

You are a strong and very intelligent, sweet girl! Your writing is amazing and you are honest and true.. You are so much more than just Rachel, find it and embrace it :) Smile and keep smiling because after all that you have been through and thought, you are still here standing strong, you are amazing!

Anonymous said...

I love my sweet daughter. She's vibrant. Embraces the world full force and is anything but typical. Never follows rules, but doesn't break the ones that count either because she loves people. She doesn't hurt feelings but often gets hurt. As much as I love my sweet girl, you are loved. We're all interconnected and love filters out and embraces everyone. Know that because I can love my incredible independent 19yo I love you too. <3

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you are beautiful. Don't let anyone think you are less that AMAZING. because you are incredible.

Samantha Ordos said...

It absolutely will all work out. You ARE loved - and I believe you know it. I think we all do, deep deep in our hearts. You are loved and precious and talented and lovely. If anyone tells you otherwise (including your own mind), they are lying. What matters is the heart, and your heart wants to love, wants to succeed, wants to be happy. I believe you can be! You can do this.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, we don't know each other, but what I do know is thatwe have/have had more things in common than most strangers that don't know each other. When I was in high school I was in a place very similar, and sick of being in that place, feeling without hope that there was light in the distance. But there is hope, and I found that out after a few painful years. I still struggle with social anxiety even now that I am out of college and in the 'real world'. But I have the confidence that I know where I come from and where I've been, and I know that I can keep going. There are so many things out there that affect our opinion of ourselves or how we should be, right down to our personality. But we are all so unique and wonderful, I wish that our society would celebrate that more instead of an image.

I hope that today you can stop for just a moment, of thinking about all the bad, and go outside and feel the sun shine down on your skin. Take a moment to breathe and relax. Because things really are going to be okay, no matter if you can't see that in this moment.

Caiti said...

Lovely Rachel,

I just wanted to let you know how beautiful and courageous you are. You share your innermost thoughts and let others know that they are not alone in this messed up world. I lost my dad almost 4 years ago and I went through so much pain and uncertainty, and I can imagine your pain too...and as much as these words won't make sense today (they didn't to me) but in a few years time, the pain does lessen. Some days it hits like a brick, and other days I can easily laugh about fun memories I had with him.

I struggle with body/self esteem issues too...Just yesterday I talked about it in my blog...and I realized that, even though my body isn't perfect, it can still do some pretty awesome things that I take for taste juicy watermelon, mop the kitchen floors...What awesome things has your body done today?

Lovely Rachel - even though it seems like there is no point, that life is out of control, you have an honesty about you that is priceless. We need more authenticity in this world. Hang in there, I believe in you. You are going to do great things, You are going to come through this and inspire so many other girls just like you, because you are beautiful and you are strong!

Hugs - C

Ginelle Flores said...

You are B-E-A-UTIFUL inside, out, up, down and every posible way!!
don't EVER think otherwise again.
You are loved :)

Julia said...

Hello Gorgeous...

You said, "I need someone I admire to tell me every thing's going to be alright. That they believe in me. That I'm not the fat failure I think I am."

You don't know me and I don't know you, but, darling, there are plenty of people in the world WORTH admiring that can tell you everything is going to be alright. I promise. I believe it you. You are not a fat failure.

I have been there, not social anxiety, but I have been on anti-depressants for 8 years, I did eat in high school because I thought I was "fat", I have laid in bed, crying, thinking that nothing would ever be alright, no one would ever be there for me, that there was no hope. But I was wrong. There are so many chances for happiness, for success, for love, to feel loved, to make a difference. There is so much more the world is going to offer you. You and I both, we are loved by amazing people. We have amazing talents. You, my girl, are precious, just the way you are. You are beautiful, so pick yourself up, put on a smile and believe it.

Take care of yourself, Rachel. And keep expressing yourself through your writing, it will do wonders for you.


Anonymous said...

I also want to let you know how inspiring you are...yes...I said inspiring. Just by the fact that you have this blog and are able to communicate your honest thoughts and feelings tells us about who you are as a person. Regardless of perceived physical imperfections, THAT is what makes you beautiful. Your strength, your honesty, your words, your heart - they all contribute to who you are and that, my friend, is BEAUTIFUL.

Keep writing and getting it out there and let our words be the positive voice that you now hear in your voice, not the negative ones. Let them be more powerful and meaningful than the other junk!

Anonymous said...

i'm not one of your family members haha
but i think you are beautiful and i truly believe that you can make it out of this. If the picture above is you then you are not fat and i'm completely jealous of your eyes. they're amazing.

you can do this :]

mlelovesyou2 said...

Hey Rachel-
You are beautiful. I hope you can know that for yourself soon. :)
I know of a former bulimic, who had (somewhat still has) social anxiety. I think it would be great if you got in touch with her.

I have social anxiety too... It's hard to deal with but if you could find a therapist that works for you (someone who KNOWS/specializes in, social anxiety and/or eating disorders would be helpful) I don't personally have one. I cried yesterday because I didn't want to go into an office by myself and fill in zeros that were accidently skipped on a form... it's odd how much easier things are than we imagine. :( Sadly, we still go on imagining unless we work to change our thinking. --which is hard but WORTH IT. <3 hang in there.

Deborah said...

Rachel ~ I don't know you and you don't know me. And I have been wondering what to say to you to make it all better ~ but nothing is coming to mind ~ all I can say though is THANK YOU for allowing me and a lot of other people to give of ourselves to support you.

Life is so amazing ~ believe it, treasure each day, LIVE with gratitude and (in the words of John Denver) remember the GIFT you ARE.

Sending buckets of Love, Blessings, Light and Laughter your way ... D

BethanySusan said...

Girl, I feel you more than you could possibly know.

Countless times have I found myself in the abyss, as I call it. No hope of escape. Stuck in a life and a body that doesn't feel right. Literally, all day yesterday and the day before I sat around, in my pjs, and didn't do anything but stare at the wall and think horrible negative thoughts about my life.

BUT tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. If you can find one tiny thing that makes you feel a tiny bit better, and cling to that, you'll find something else, and something else, and eventually you'll pull yourself above ground. I woke up today and feel a TON better.

I hope you will find relief soon as well. I really hope all of these uplifting comments from strangers bring a smile to your face and a bit of hope to your heart!

To me, life is about deciding who we want to be. Sometimes we decide to be depressed, or to harm ourselves. That's OK! It's OUR life to choose, and to mess up, and to LEARN from. Hopefully after we learn we make a decision the next time that better reflects our vision for ourselves.


lalalalauren said...

hey, i know you don't know me but i just wanted to leave a comment and say that it IS going to be alright. you are strong, intelligent, and beautiful. don't let the world get you down. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but can tell from the way you write that you are strong. I know you will make it. You are beautiful inside AND out, and don't ever forget it.
Good luck!

Jessica said...

Everything will be alright. You are loved.

Brittani Moore said...


Do NOT give up on yourself, sweet girl. Be reassured by the people out in the world who love a wonderful girl that they don't know. Be reassured by God, who loves you so much more than any number of people combined ever could. My friend Allison commented earlier saying that this is all part of your life story, your testimony, and she couldn't have been more right. Rachel, you ARE beautiful, and smart. You are brave and you matter! There is meaning to your life even though it may not feel that way right now. I will be praying for you, Rachel. Hang on, the life you have waiting for you is worth waiting for!

Psalm 30:5 says,
Sobbing can remain through the night
but JOY comes in the morning.


katherine said...

Hi Rachael! I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through right now. It is a very difficult time for you, but please believe me and others when we say that things will get better! I promise they will! You are beautiful, you are enormously significant, and you are important. Please don't feel down about yourself for feeling down. You are going through a very hard time right now, and its okay to struggle. Take things a day at a time. Don't worry about not getting into University. If you want to go, I have every confidence that you will go when the time is right. If not, you will find something else to do that you will love. I know, family can be pushy about these things sometimes, but ultimately, its you who has to decide what you want to do. So don't be influenced by others! you will find out what you want to do, and if its University, you will go when the time is right! And believe me, you are not fat. I am so happy to hear that you have already gotten some help for this area. My best friend in the world, and housemate of three years struggled/struggles with disordered eating patterns. And although I haven't experienced it myself, I know the toll that it can take on a person, and how hard therapy can be at the beginning. But please, please stick with it. It can help so much long term. Do it for yourself, you deserve to not feel self hatred about what you look like. You are not fat, you are beautiful, and you deserve to feel that way. I know that you have so much on your plate right now, but don't feel overwhelmed. Everything will come together eventually. Just take it minute to minute, and day to day. My thoughts are with you. I wish you absolutely the best!!! Sending hope and love in your direction!

Samantha the ArmyWife said...

oh darlin.... I hope that you have nothing but better days ahead. I hope that you find the strength we all have deep down inside to overcome some awful things in this life. I hope that you'll wake up to your 120+ comments, feel the motivation and positivity we're all sending your way. I hope that you'll "Let go and Let God." This is one of my favorite quotes. I am not a very religious person, but this resonates with me. We all have strength and when we think we've utilized all the strength we have inside, there is ALWAYS more. The fact of the matter is I'm no super model and some days I screw up at work but at the end of the day I know I've given my best and the rest I can't do anything about. All of that makes me confident in who I am, and what i'm about. DO YOUR BEST AND FORGET THE REST... LET GO AND LET GOD.

Happy Days!

Luke Meissner said...

Dearest Rachel,
It is never too late. There are so many plans out there for you that have yet to be reveiled. If you think of the glass as half full. you will truly see this world in a different light. You become optimistic, get your goals accomplished, and that is where I think you can find a sense of happiness. It is inspiring to see you able to talk and communicate with the world honestly. And a lot of people arel giving you honest feedback, opinions, and respect. Take this all in as you see, because we all have our problems, and a lot of us are unable to take the feedback and use it to improve ourselves. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do, and you are in my prayers as well as many others. Idk if you are a believer, but no matter what, He loves you, and will always take care of you.

Dith said...

Hey lovely girl,

I remember, at the age of 19, being so prey to the negative voices that I tried to 'give up.' It turned out to be the beginning of the end - but not of me, but of the twisted self-image I possessed.

I, too, failed to get into Uni on the first attempt, but that turned out to be a good thing. As part of the year I was working and volunteering after A-levels, I spent time at a church youth group. It was the faith I found there that began to turn life around (yes, I know this sounds trite and far too easy, but that is the truth.)

At the age of 19 or so, I had reckoned that the world would be better off without me. Here, 20 years later (yikes, middle aged!), I know this was not so. I am now happily married (the 19 year old me would NEVER have seen that coming) and working in the mental health field. This means that the rubbish I went through is now useful in helping me to understand others.

I suppose what I am trying to say is ignore those bl**dy negative voices. Over the years I have come to find a name for them - LIARS!

Hang on in there, dear girl, I'm sure the 30-something you will be glad you did! HUGS.

Dith xxx

kxm said...

Dear one -- You don't know me either, nor am I a family member. ;)

It is easy when we are wrapped up in that thick blanket of negativity to think that we are unloved and unlovable, but it just isn't true.

It will be okay. You are beautiful. There is a world out here that needs you--that needs you to discover that you are beautiful and loved because it needs both from you!

Take good care of yourself, and allow others to help! Sending you sweetness and light...

“[A]s we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -- Marianne Williamson

Stefanie said...

You are BEAUTIFUL! I know sometimes it is hard to see that in ourselves though. I struggled with depression throughout high school and into college. I contemplated suicide and felt so alone and worthless. I know it is not something that can be fixed over night. I do know that you can work through it. You are strong enough to do it. The key for me was finding something that brought me joy and bringing that into my daily life. It was also looking at the smaller things in life and taking small steps towards being happy with myself.

I know that there is nothing that I can say that will make it all better. But I really want you to know that: You ARE beautiful. You are NOT fat. You ARE strong enough to get through this.

Sending love and support your way! <3

Kim Switzer said...

I understand so much of what you're saying here. I have battled depression, and when I was in school I had it ruin my grades for a while both in high school and university. Guess what? Now, I have two college degrees, I'm getting a creativity coaching certification, and I'm happy.

I wish I could say, "Poof, here's the miracle cure!" It doesn't work quite like that, but I just wanted to tell you that depression doesn't have to be forever. You just have to keep trying different things to work through, even though putting in effort can be the last thing you feel like doing.

And one last thought. Uni is still going to be there a year or two or five from now. When you're ready. When you want to go. You don't have to go right away, even if that's what's expected. Sometimes you have to disappoint those you love in order to do what's right for yourself. Give yourself the time and space you need. And know that there's a whole world full of us out here who have chosen off-the-beaten-path routes through life, and we'll happily encourage you any time you want to talk!

Anonymous said...


I know what you are going through right now is hard. You are such a strong person and you can make it through anything. Just remember that God never puts us in a situtation that we can't handle. You are definitley loved.

Keeping you in my prayers.

bubbleboo said...

Rachel, you don't know me, but I just want to reach out to you. I want to tell you that you're not alone, that you are loved, that people care about you.

All those negative feelings you have about yourself? They're not true. They're really not. You are beautiful and brave and stronger than you know.

More than anything, I just want to put my arms around you, give you a hug, and tell you that everything will be ok.

And it will be ok.

Jennifer said...

Hey Rachel -- I read through some of your posts, and I couldn't just leave without telling you that you are going to make it out of this stage of life and onto something different. And it's going to be what you make it. You have NO IDEA what plans are out there for you! We in this world need you to give yourself a break and consciously start thinking forward and positively. This might not mean anything to you, but I'm praying for you right now. You are PRECIOUS and beautiful!!

Lisa Chidichimo said...

You are quite a talented young lady. To have had the gift to engage people with the written word is quite an accomplishment! There are many gifts given to us and these often they are hidden behind our own walls.

I am sorry about the tough experiences you have undergone in your young life, and I wish no one had to live such angst. I know you have a true angel looking out on you!

I believe you have a destiny that is still unseen and I, for one, look forward to hearing about it.

katie said...

Sweet, sweet girl. I struggled so bad at your age. You could not pay me ANY amount of money to go back to being 17. It's an age that is filled with doubts and insecurities and everything is so topsy turvy.
BUT, you do grow through that. You DO eventually learn who you are. You do learn how to cope and how to flourish. Basically, you grow up and you leave that nasty 17 behind.
Please don't give up on life. Life is full of opportunities,love and joy. It is all yours for the taking.
I truly thought I would not make it to be 18. Here I am now with a husband and 3 kids and I am happy and glad to be here.
Sweetie, this too shall pass. Don't give up. Hold on with everything you have got as eventually the ride will get less bumpy and you will find where you fit in this world.

There is a place for you that you will fit in perfectly and it will feel like a soft comfy slipper. You will feel at home. Don't give up until you find that place sweet girl.

Sending love,peace and understanding your way.

Literary Wino said...

Stay strong- you are a beautiful, intelligent young woman. You WILL overcome this- you can, and will.

adventure grrl said...

Rachel - So glad to meet you. I have been where you have been. I didn't lose a parent but my dad had a heart transplant and kidney transplant. He was always close to death so I just shut down - I didn't want to emotionally feel. My mother would not let us talk about our feelings so I pushed them down with food. Gained a ton of weight. My cousin who was like a brother to me died in a skiing accident. In college, I felt insecure, fat, unlovable.

A few years ago, my cousin was killed, someone killed him. I went into the bleakest and darkest of places.

NOW I AM COMING OUT THE OTHER SIDE. If you asked me a few years ago if I would ever be happy again, I would say NO. What you need to know is, you're going to be okay. I promise. I mean it. My blog is called 100 days in Bed b/c all I did was hide in bed after my cousin died, I could NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

Grief leads to depression and all the things you are feeling, you can't control b/c they are chemical. All the bad feelings you are having about food and weight are just a distraction and chaos to protect you from feeling your feelings. I promise, I have been there.

I hope you feel enormous love and I hope if you want to know some more specifics after how I got out from underneath my dark rain cloud that you DM me. I am here for you.

Because you are worth it!!! And beautiful.

Anonymous said...

My sweet friend, you must remember that God made you exactly how you are and he makes all things great and beautiful! You are not a mistake because God does not make mistakes!!!! You are his beautiful creation and you must understand and always remember that! May God bless you today and always with the self esteem you need to know and remember that you are God's perfect creation!

U.S.M.C. BRIDE TO BE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aishlin Brown said...

I've been in your shoes, and the one thing I can promise is that it gets better, it always does. Just hang in there, it'll be worth it. Know that you are loved and very very important!

Aish <3

Little_Lotte said...

When I was your age I had similar struggles and I just want to say that things CAN and WILL get better for you. You're very strong and very intelligent but sometimes we may need help with our personal struggles, seek that help, you deserve it.

the fowlers said...

Hi Rachel.
I had some similar stuff going on at your age. I went to counseling for self-harm issues, hated it, quit, didn't trust, etc. I know it's cliche and lame, but this too shall pass. That's not to say that things will suddenly be perfect in a different stage of life, but it will be different and you'll be different. I still get anxious, still have a hard time trusting and I'm even still tempted to be self destructive. I've learned to relax a little, take things one day at a time and see the good things around me, no matter how insignificant they seem. I hope things start looking up for you and that you can find your own way to be happy in this world. There's a lot of love and fun and beauty out there if you're willing. :)
Love and hugs. Find things to believe in.

U.S.M.C. BRIDE TO BE said...

Hey BEAUTIFUL! How you doin? I am doin quit alright! Your blog and writing skills are through the roof sweetness I am impressed for a high school student! So tell me a little more about your self... What are your dreams goals what do you want to accomplish in life. Do you want to travel do you want to paint? Anything you can do remember that ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING! Put your mind to it and you will surprise your self!
If you want to talk contact me at much love to you baby girl you can do it your beautiful smart and I know your willing just take it one step at a time!

Anonymous said...

Just remember that each day is a new chance to make different decisions and change your life. Baby steps. You can do it!

Leigh said...


It's hard. I know it is. In fact, there are many people who, like me, know about the position you're in. Maybe not the exact position you're in, but one like it. You're not alone, no, but there are things you can only do for yourself. There are people out there to offer you a hand when you feel like you can't stand up on your own. People to offer a shoulder to lean on. No matter what, someone is there, even if it's just in the quiet annals of the internet. You are not fat or ugly. It really is beneath the surface that counts. Anyone that can't look past that? Isn't worth your time. I mean that in the most deep and serious way. People that bring you down are not good for you and should be placed behind you. Look forward, look up. Let that spark inside grow and shine. It's a hard and sometimes long path, but I know you can do it. :)

Katrina said...

Dear Rachel,

You are beautiful, you are strong.

Love, Katrina

Anonymous said...

Everything will be okay. Try to take life in 15 minute increments - it's much easier to deal with that way. If you can just commit to doing what you need to do for just 15 minutes, you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish. Although I can't imagine what you're going through personally, I wish the best for you and hope that the sadness and feelings of being overwhelmed will slowly wane. I hope you read all of your comments, because there are a lot of people who believe in you, and that includes me, even though I don't know you. You have something special to offer to the world!

Anonymous said...

Please don't ever give up! Everything really is going to be alright because if you're not happy, it's not the end. You're truly gorgeous and amazing and you're definitely not a failure. I love you and I know you can get through this.
Much love <3

Kate said...

Failure only happens when you give up, not when you fall down, not when you struggle. Just the very fact that you still want happiness for yourself, that you haven't succumbed to the lies that say you don't deserve happiness- what else is happiness but your inalienable birthright- is proof that your story is not over, that you can and will acheive the life you deserve.

As a recovering anorexic, I want you to know that the idea of the 'charmed, perfect life" that you feel you are inadequate for not living does not exist. It's nothing but a sick fairytale, and we'll waste our real lives trying to meet the impossible ideals of a fictional one. I promise you that for every person you see in the world who you think is beautiful or successful, they are fighting their own secret battle, and feel just as lost as you do now. And certainly, weight and looks are NOT a measure of happiness! I know that now, having learned that the hard way. You are not your body- you are a soul, and a beautiful soul at that. You are perfect in your imperfection, in the struggle and emotion that makes you complex and human.

Remember always: there can and will be a happy ending. If things aren't yet right, it only means that the story isn't over.

Michal said...

I'm reading this book by Pema Chodron right now and what she writes is about recognizing our strengths and weaknesses, seeing ourselves honestly, and loving ourselves nonetheless- loving ourselves honestly, for being complete, beautiful people who are not perfect. We only have this one life to live - so why not make the most of it? And if you don't have the energy right now - get up and start /doing/ anyways, and the energy will come through doing.
You're a beautiful person with SO much to offer, Rachel. Please come out and share it - you owe it to yourself as much or more than the rest of us!

El Biddulph said...

Rachel - have you ever heard the story of the caterpillar and the butterfly? Here is a condensed version...

A caterpillar becomes a butterfly through metamorphosis, a scientific name for change. There is a phase in the middle, where the change actually occurs, called the chrysalis. The caterpillar sheds its outer skin, preparing for this transformation. For about a two week period, the caterpillar is nothing more than a yellow, sticky, gooey mess. But then, slowly, the chrysalis becomes transparent, and when it is ready, a butterfly emerges. Interestingly enough, the butterfly then rests. During this time, the wings expand and harden. Once fully formed, the butterfly flies away.

You, my dear one, are in the ooey, gooey part of growing up. You're not quite the caterpillar anyt longer and you're not quite the butterfly ready to fly away. You and your life are going through changes. And, sometimes, change is really, really messy and really difficult to endure.

Hang in there. The butterfly is forming.

Googlover/keishua said...

Hey sweetie. You are awesome as you are. Feeling unmotivated happens but don't let it keep you down. Serve someone. Helping others is one the best ways to realize that you are part of something bigger than yourself. When I feel bad about my circumstance, I like to think about the small things I've accomplished. That could be as simple as doing the laundry. Body image is something that plagues a lot of us. Getting therapy is may be a great way of dealing with that. Life gets better in small steps. Do one thing everyday that rocks your socks for a week and see how you feel. Much peace and love.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading you blog and I think that I've been blessed just be reading it. You are a strong person, with lots of love to offer everybody around you. I thought I would write something here to bless you but instead I feel that I've been blessed just by you touching my life today. I know there is a positive for every negative in you are my positive! :-) Keep you head up Rachel, you are a wonderful and beautiful girl.

Jen said...


I believe in you and so do 150 other commenters. Stay strong. You're young. You're beautiful and you have your whole life ahead of you to do WHATEVER you want with it. For lack of a better term: "You have the world by the balls right now"!!

Anonymous said...

Hey Rachel :)

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.
But I can promise you that eventually, everything will work out.
2 years ago, I was failing school, suicidal, a repeat self-harmer with no motivation. I hated myself and the life I lived.
Today, I'm in school with a 4.0 GPA, great friends and a great future ahead of me.
Just realize and remember that there are amazing people everywhere... AND YOU'RE ONE OF THEM :)
You're beautiful and strong and I believe that you can find the courage to do anything!
There are so many people who know this too... and it's time you were one of them :)

Anonymous said...

Dear rachel,

As a sister to a girl who struggles with feeling like a fat failure, my heart breaks so much for you and what you go through. Depression is heavy and lonely. But I just wanted to reach out to you and say that you are not alone, there are people out here (who you've never met), who are praying for you, thinking about you and encouraging you. Remember what you love to do or something that you're good at. You're beautiful and can do anything your dreams dictate. You are not your circumstances.

Love, Jessica

Heather said...

You are beautiful and strong. You are worth something. You are loved and cared for and about. I have faith that you can do it!

Nate St. Pierre said...

We love you, girl. I've looked through some of your posts and laughed aloud at your wit and candor. You made me smile today. :)

sknaB nolA said...


We haven't met and this is my first comment here. I just wanted to say that you are loved and special. It may not feel like it now. But trust me, you are.
Hold on to what brings you joy and make time to experience them every day.

Iselin said...

Dear, dear Rachel -
Everything is going to be alright.
I believe in you completely.
And you are no fat failure - you are a beautiful, amazing woman who have the power to make a huge difference in someone else's life.

Lauren said...


I lost my Father last year and that truly destroyed every piece I had left. Everyone says that time heals all, I'm still not completely sure I believe that but it does make it easier on your heart and your head, I can promise you that. Keep your head up even throughout the darkest moments because you know deep down your Father would never want you to be unhappy long-term. If you have any desire to talk, is my email address.

Keep staying strong!


eden said...

you may have already heard this before, but i think one of the most amazing ways to start feeling better about yourself and life in general is to help someone else. i know you're going through a lot, and i hope things get better, but sometimes looking outside ourselves gives us the hope we need that life really will get better. good luck with everything!

Miss Ski said...

Dear Rachel,

Every day is another chance to turn it all around and be who we all know you are. It all starts with one step to find your place in the world. That's all. We're all here cheering you on!

Miss Ski

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you are perfection. You are just right! No need to do need to do less. Believe in yourself. You've got an army of unknown well-wishers. We are all in your corner. Keep your head up because everything WILL be alright.

Hang tight and enjoy the journey dear Rachel!

brown eyed girl said...

If I could bottle hope like seltzer water, I'd send you a whole case.
Because you deserve it, and you are worth it.

but all I can give is words, so here are a few:

love. xo

M. Denise Wilmer Barreto said...

Thanks for your brutal honesty - it's the only way to live. Kudos.

I am a motherless daughter who grew up with a dad that chose to move on and never engage us in serious conversation about my mom and her death.

3 things:

1. You rock. You're talented and loved.
2. This will pass - I know you cn't believe it now but it will.
3. You are going to be stronger and help others someday with your story.

Keep your head up and ignore all the lies that try to trap you in despair. By the looks of this posts - there are many who care.


Anonymous said...


You are so amazing and so loved. <3
I have much faith in you. I know everything will get better. Hang in there! You are so precious and you have so much potential and ability to do good and amazing things! You can take this and make your life happy. I know you can. I believe in you!

Anonymous said...

Rachel. You definitely have a purpose in this life. Don't let the bumps on your journey stop you from reaching your destination! You are loved.

Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel,

You don't know me, but I feel like I know you. I lost my Mom very young and struggled for many years after that with alcohol and feelings of worthlessness. Losing a parent is the hardest loss we experience as humans, and there is no easy cure. More than 20 years later, I still miss my Mom. You will always have a place for your dad in your heart, and you are a wonderful person for having been loved by him.

What I'm here to tell you is, you have more strength than you know. Simply putting your words and thoughts on the 'net is an incredible act of strength. And you are bringing strength to everyone who reads you.

You are worth so much. I tell you this because I know. Because I know that I was worth so much more than I gave myself credit for when I was in a place similar to yours. And it took me a long time to see it. You are worth more. You are more.

I believe it, and I'll keep believing it for you until you can believe it yourself.

Anonymous said...

Rachel- I know a lot of the words in these posts will be hard to grasp, impossible to take to heart. I've been there, and all the well meanign words can just come across as pithy saying meant to make you feel better.

However, there is truth in every single one. Every statement that is said and repeated, over and over again, until it becomes cliche, has at it's heart a grain of truth. That's why it endures.

So, believe me when I say you are beautiful. Each and every person on this planet has their beauty, and you are not excluded from that. Every person. And I know that it's easy to overlook your own beauty, when you see yourself everyday. But to each new person you meet, your beauty is a new light shining forth in their life.

Everyone deserves happiness. You know this. everyone does. The thing that is glossed over is that you're not always going to be happy, every minute of every day. You've discovered this, too early and in too much quantity. It sounds trite, but things will get easier. Life is filled with hardships, and once you get through them, you're a stonger and better person, and know what you are capable of suriving. And knowing this, even on t hose days you aren't happy, you can find satisfaction in knowing your strength.

Know that I believe in you. I believe you are beautiful beyond your knowing. I believe that you will make it through these hard, unimaginable times. And I believe that you will more than survive, but you will find a strength in your soul you never knew existed and will achieve a life full of meaning and joy.


Anonymous said...

Hello pretty Rachel. I feel like you are an exact replica of me seven years ago. When I was 17 my father passed away and I was sent into an immediate downward spiral. Everything you have described in your bullet-point list of things you had to show exactly describes me when I was 17 and going through what you are going through now.

Think of me in some ways as your future self. I want to tell you that it WILL get better, no matter how hard it seems sometimes. Sometimes the smallest efforts cause the largest results, even if it seems impossible to accomplish them. This time WILL pass for you and your life will all make sense again one day. For now, hang on and try your best to be the person that you WANT to be, not the person that everyone says you should be

Please feel free to email me so we can talk more in depth. I'd love to be here to support you! My email is becomingtheoddduck at yahoo.

Much love. I wish you all the happiness in the world because you absolutely deserve it!

Anonymous said...

Rachel you are lovely! stay strong, that everything will get better. You've got a friend in argentina
Hugs, Lucia

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you were created beautiful and unique. There is nobody just like you. You are special. And you were created for a purpose. Your life has meaning!

You know, it's understandable to feel like the pains and disappointments that life throws at us don't make any sense. And it's easy to ask ourselves "why did this happen," or "why am I like this." But remember, these things are only one piece of your life. Just a piece of your puzzle. There's a much bigger picture, and God can see it even if you can't right now.

Hang on and believe. Believe in yourself. Believe that these difficult times will pass. Believe that you have hope and a future. You are not alone. And the world needs you and your uniqueness.

You ARE loved, and I believe in you.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you're a wonderful person, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I hope that you get all the inspiration you need from the comments here, and know that your life is important to so many people.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Rachel,
we've never met, but sorrow brings everyone together. I have been depressed, I have been suicidal, and I lost my best friend to suicide-- and I wanted to DIE, losing him. I couldn't imagine picking my head up ever again, and I don't think he thought of that.. I know everything probably seems bleak right now, but you have so much TIME ahead of you-- time to understand and time to be understood. My college years have been the best thing that has ever happened to me so far, and have really changed my perspective and outlook on life. Don't give up. Just because you didn't get into that particular one, doesn't mean you won't get into a different one. And if it was the university of your dreams? go in the back door. Go to a community school and transfer in after a year or two. It's much easier to get in as a transfer than as an incoming freshman..
And hang in there. You are beautiful and as a recovered eating disorder patient, I can tell you that the way YOU see you is completely skewed and different from the way anyone else might see you.. It will be hard. You will need to look past your flaws, past any "fat" you think you have, past your imperfections. One thing that helped me was making a list-- every day, I had to write down ONE thing I was proud of or one thing I liked about myself. Just one, no repeats. You'd be amazed at the things you never appreciated about yourself.
Hang in there, duckie-- the pond is never as far away as it seems.

Anonymous said...


Passion doesn't get lost - just abandoned. Its NEVER to late to get it back. Surround your self with positive people and you will be positive too. Misery is contagious but so it joy. You can do anything that you "decide, " to do.

If I were you I would print off/write down these post comments and put them all over your locker/room/inside notebooks/even in you dresser drawer :) When you feel like doing or thinking something negative, read these!

Your the Best!

MarathonVal said...

Rachel, wonderful Rachel, I'm so sorry you are going through this hard time but please know that this too shall pass!!! High school is ROUGH. In fact, I thought it was SO hard that I went into social work and now work as a school social worker with adolescents because I want to be there to help them through that difficult time.

But, the cool thing about tough times is that they always end, and better times will fill their absence!

You are an amazing, worthwhile person who is full of wonderful qualities. I know that these struggles will only make you stronger, and that your future will be bright.

You can accomplish anything you put your mind to!!! If you need any support please let me know.


Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel,

We don't know one another, but I'm here today to tell you that you are not alone. Most of us have gone through years of self-doubt (and that was on good days) and active self-dislike, even. Some people-usually the more intelligent, the more questioning among us-go through these years earlier in life, when it seems even harder to overcome, since you don't have decades of experience to tell you that it will all get better.

But it will. It will all get better.

This is a sea you're swimming in, and the trick is to keep faith, keep your head up, and keep moving. You will find your sandy beach. The day will come when you will be able to look back and see that not only ARE you beautiful, just as you are, but that you always, always have been, even if you couldn't see it and didn't believe it at the time.

I am here today as a stranger-friend, to tell you that I care about you, I appreciate you, and I think you're marvelous. And although I know you can't see it in yourself, I ask you to put a little faith in ME, because I'm 41, I've been on the planet a while now, I'm nowhere near perfect, but I AM FABULOUS. And so are you!

Please keep writing. Please go easy on yourself and judge yourself kindly. Your expectations of yourself should not be any higher than those that you have for other people, mm-kay? :-)

Stephanie H., Ohio

Anonymous said...


I know you have heard that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' line a million times, but truly that is the case. Physical appearance is always changing and 'youthful good looks' quickly flee us as we age anyway. What lasts, and is the thing that shines through all outward appearance, is our soul. I can't tell you how many times I have seen a brilliant smile on someone who wasn't 'pretty' or seemed overweight and thought, "What a lovely person".

It is our actions, our caring and thoughtfulness, that makes us beautiful human beings. God sees only our hearts, as do our true friends as well. Never give up hope on feeling happiness again, even though you are still grieving. Your dad would want you to grow and blossom to your full potential. Perhaps you are needed more than you know, since your mom and sister also are feeling isolated. Don't be so hard on yourself, and maybe by doing what you can to help them, you will start to heal yourself in the process.

You are loved, even though you can't always feel it. I am praying for you!

Love, Carol in Florida

Lucrecer said...

Wanted to stop by and tell you that YOU matter. You are special, you are loved. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. Know in your heart who you are and never, ever, ever let anyone take your joy. Be blessed.

Haylea May :D said...

Hello, I knew a time when i needed a big pick me up. I believe the point of life is to overcome our past and realise how much love is in people's hearts and that there is always love in someone's heart for you. We as a race are never alone and we need to accept this. I'm not one for dumping my beliefs onto people but if you turn to God he will help you. He gave me extra assurance that through no matter what someone always loves you, does not judge you for what you do, who you are, and what you've been through. Eversince i've turned to God my life has improved massively as I myself used to be my own worst enemy.
I'm hoping this makes you feel better and helps you overcome your obstacles. I adore that you can share your emotions on a blog like this because it shows you want to move on. I know i dont really know you but these blogs show how much potential your life could have and you will not miss out on this potential as what doesn't kill us makes us stronger :) xx

jayedee said...

dear rachel,
you are perfect! just the way you are. period!
today, you have touched my life in ways you'll never know....and made my life immeasurably better just by being who you are. thank you!

xxsilverangel said...

Everything will be alright, eventually you'll be able to smile without any pain. I feel your pain of losing someone you love, starving yourself...just being done with life but believe me, you were put here for something. Your father would not want you to do this to yourself, nobody does. Even when you don't think so, there's somebody out there who thinks your beautiful, wonderful and would give the world to see you smile.

I know I would.

You're beautiful just the way you are, you're amazing and you're going to get through this. I promise, that light at the end of the tunnel is so wonderful and bright and it's worth surviving. Getting through it, sitting your mother down and talking to her, making her have a serious conversation with you. Recovery and finding hope.

You are loved xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Rachel!

I couldn't help but notice the title of your blog, "Someday Perfection". Well, that some day is today. Rachel, you are perfect just the way you are. Believe it in yourself, because it is very true. By standing strong through all the tough times that are coming your way, you are becoming an inspiration to many. Keep it up!

Serendipity said...

Rachel, kindred spirit
Don't be afraid of your power.
Trust yourself, trust your spirit, you are wise.

I hear a frustration in your blogging I feel is due to belief.
eg: "Society's media tells me what is beautiful. It's a very narrow criteria. If I believe the narrow criteria, I feel ugly and unworthy. I feel hopeless... I feel powerless. This sucks! I'm a good person, why can't that be enough. Why can't I trust that inner beauty shines through and is attractive. Why do I buy into media's definition of beauty?"

I think you are beautiful! And I'm going to tell you The Secret!...
Confidence! Believing in yourself and your inherent beauty will make you more attractive. Write your own definition of beauty, of good enough. Trust that your instinct is true and pity us all for our insecurities, they make us harsh and unforgiving, especially with ourselves.

Remember that you're not alone, and you will get through this.

Anonymous said...

Would it help if you knew that I was you over 40 years ago? I look back and think, "Wow, how could I have let externals make me feel less than I truly am?" I now know that am complete... and so are you.
Don't measure yourself by looking in the mirror. Don't measure yourself by your grades, achievements, job status, relationships - well, you get the picture. Measure yourself by the love you send out, which naturally ricochets its way back to you. Yep, that is the simple answer - love. Love thy neighbor as thyself. Love thyself as God loves you. Don't believe in God? Look around, and just remember that being able to look around is sure proof that God exists. He loves you. We love you.
Sending prayers your way...from across the pond.

Meg said...

You are a stong person, if you can write a blog post expressing your fears, weaknesses and struggles, than you are stronger than you will ever beleive.
You deserve to be happy, healthy and always feel beautiful...because you are! Stay stong and take care! Oh, and by the way...get a haircut, it always makes me feel so much better when I do!!


Amanda Arce said...

dearest rachel, i have been in your shoes. the thought of everything seems too much right now, and is overwhelming. but you are worth so much more than the 'this' that you're living. strive to be the best you you can be. imagine how high you you can reach. find a dream, hang on to it, and fight for it. you can do anything. it's in your power. there are so many people here who love and care about you. your life is worth more than this. you deserve the happiness you are looking for, but you won't find it in ED, and i think you know that. <3 it seems like that's the only way to turn right now, but i promise you it's not. turn to us, here. we've got your back and we're all rooting for you to find what you're looking for.

everything is going to be alright. i believe in you. you're not a failure. i promise.

if you need anything at all, you can add me on facebook, follow on twitter, or email -

you're not alone, pretty girl. i promise. i'm here for you. <3

Barbara said...

Dear Rachel,
Losing your Dad is a tough, I lost my Dad at 18 I am now 59 but I still think of him often - at first it was with sorrow and tears; but it grew to a realization that he was still with me cheering me on in every thing I did and every challenge I faced.

Life is unfolding before you take it one step at a time. Spend your time thinking about what you want to happen that is what you can effect. Don't be so hard on yourself you are a work in progress. You are loved and it will all be ok.
with love and blessing, Barbara

KB said...

Rachel, to echo the words of a previous commenter - You Are Enough. Please hold on to that. There is a huge, amazing, world out there waiting for you. What seems insurmountable now can seem insignificant in the review mirror. Depression and body dismorphic disorder are nasty monsters, but with time and help you will chase those ugly voices out of your head. For now, please focus on all the voices out there telling you you are wonderful.

Ami Lea said...

I always like this quote when times are dark - because they will pass, sometimes it is long going, and seems so dark in the middle of it, but truly, on each path there is a beginning, a middle, and a light at the end of the tunnel.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Hang in there girl - you can make it.

PS_Iloveyou said...

Hey Lady,

Stand up, put your shoulders back, and get out there and face the day like we all know you can. You are as strong as you tell yourself you are, as beautiful as you believe yourself to be, and more intelligent than you give yourself credit for. The one change that needs to be made is to believe in yourself instead of what you think other people believe about you.

You have the power to do whatever you put your mind to. The only thing holding yourself back is yourself.

I Believe In You!

Lauren Elizabeth said...

you are so loved, and you have so much to bring to the world. you are beautiful, and full of potential. time will heal everything, things WILL get better.

«Oldest ‹Older   1 – 200 of 507   Newer› Newest»