a day at the beach with him?

my most genuine smiles are around him.

 

• he makes my face hurt from smiling so much
• he gives me butterflies and goosebumps
• his arms are the ones I feel safest inside
• he's helped me heal
• his voice is my favourite sound
• he has opened my eyes and heart to God
• he says the most adorable things when we are together.
• he prays for me
• all I can do is thank God for blessing me with someone who loves me and wants to keep my heart safe.
• it's easy for me to dislike myself, but he is so quick to turn me back to truth
• the way I can hear his heart beat when I rest my head on his chest while hugging
• we can enjoy the silences together
• the way he wrote his own worship songs, and sang and played guitar for me
• neck kisses
• rolling down the hill at the park at night
• beautiful lights in trees/city lights/lookouts/fairy lights
• the lake/river/bird avery/scenic gardens
• slow dancing in the street to the sound of romantic music playing in the Italian restaurant
• church together
• meals with friends
• iced coffees
• HUGS
• reading each others life journals
• home-group.
• the way he respects me. Calls me precious and I believe him. We've both made mistakes in our past with other people, but we're doing things right this time. No sex before marriage, and I couldn't be happier.

• "In life we go along sometimes almost asleep, thinking that we awake to the world around us. Little do we know that the steps we take in our slumbered walk can all but end in a nightmare. BUT, then someone comes along, wakes you from your sleeping state, you breathe again.... you feel again... you are alive. You make me feel alive Rachel Gorniot. Something I have not felt in a long time."

  
  

 

just sayin'

I'm likely to use tumblr a lot more now.

http://unbelievablyfree.tumblr.com/

and oh my, darling. aren't you naive?

 "I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry."

-Marya Hornbacher

goodbye notes and cigarette smoke

"Hey Rachel, I hope that everything goes well with whatever you end up doing. I pray that you get a job and figure out what your passion is. Don't be afraid to take challenges and push yourself to new and sometimes scary things, you never know what you are capable of until you try. And don't be scared to talk to people! They aren't that scary, except for the ones who are in fact a bit creepy. See you around. God Bless, C."

Wordless Wednesdays

little you

 Here's a helpful exercise:

Picture yourself when you were five. In fact dig out a photo of little you at the time and tape it to your mirror.

Little me on my 5th Birthday (awww how cute!)

 How would you treat her, love her, feed her? How would you nurture her if you were the mother of little you? I bet you would protect her fiercely while giving her space to spread her itty-bitty wings.

 She'd get naps, healthy food, imagination time, and adventures into the wild. If playground bullies hurt her feelings, you'd hug her tears away and give her perspective. When tantrums or meltdowns turned her into a poltergeist, you'd demand a loving time-out in the naughty chair.

From this day forward I want you to extend the same compassion to your adult self.

"If not you, then who? If not now, then when?" 

the next time your inner nag has something bad to say, stop and think about that kid. Then rewrite your script accordingly. you're worth it angel wing. The world needs you to stand in your holy shazzam glory!

(From Kris Carr, 'Crazy sexy diet')

I have an eating disorder and it is NOT my fault. there. I said it. Loud and proud. I can not carry on with all these self-destructive behaviours. It has to stop and it has to stop soon. 

Instead of belittling and beating myself up for eating 'too much' or doing something 'wrong' I need to take a kinder more gentle approach. 

I force myself to throw up after eating, tell myself I'm fat/worthless/ugly, drag myself to the gym when I'm sick and tired and should be resting.

I'd never treat a 5 year old that way!

So often so many of us struggle to show ourselves the same compassion we would show to others.

• Do you find it hard to 'accept' that you are worth loving and treating right? how do you deal with these feelings?

Hope and Renewal

It's so hard to know where to begin, and I hope that you'll stick with me through this.

If you've been reading since before I cleared all my old posts you'll already know a bit, but if not you can read my newly updated "about me" page.

Physically, mentally, emotionally. More than ever I have gone from one extreme to the other in these past few weeks. I can be doing nothing just walking along and I'm hit by these thoughts, so intense that I'm thoroughly unprepared and can't clear them from my mind. It's not that I want to die, just that (in these moments) I don't want to live. It's all too tiring. It's been going on too long. In this battle of me against myself it's impossible to win. I don't want to be negative, but I intend on being honest and sometimes that's just how things are.

I can't do this on my own, and I'm determined to fight. I'm not giving up that easily.

I've always been a words girl, ever since I was young. I don't claim to write well, nor do I expect anyone to read this. But even when my thoughts make no sense and I can't communicate verbally, writing them down seems to make a difference. And if I can help even just one person to feel less alone then that's all I could ever ask.