Thursday, August 26, 2010

get motivated?

thank you m'lovely "anonymous" for that comment " <3 "
I do appreciate each and every comment I receive. Haha although all anonymous comments make me paranoid a family member may have discovered my blog...

I was going to get motivated today, but instead I sit here in my pyjamas still feel sorry for myself although I know everything is my fault. Go figure.

what I need is some inspiration. I need someone I admire to tell me every thing's going to be alright. That they believe in me. That I'm not the fat failure I think I am.
- unfortunately I can't see that happening any time before it's too late, if it's not already too late.

507 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 400 of 507   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

I don't know you or if your faith/religious beliefs play a role in your life, but I do want to say you are a beautiful, wonderfully created young lady. You are a princess in your heavenly Father's eyes and perfect just as He created you; you are a treasure, Rachel. And you are surrounded by many loving, caring people who are holding you up in their thoughts and prayers. Somehow, uniquely, God desires to use the difficult moments of our lives to bring forth something extraordinarily beautiful. Set your heart to be expectant for all things to work together for good.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Rachel;
I am 55 years old and used to spend a lot of time worrying about whether I'm fat/ugly/ unattractive. One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks...what difference does it make what I look like? If the picture at the top of your blog is you, there are no worries! You are beautiful! I can tell by the content of your blog site that you are smart and kind and caring. You are here on earth for a reason - you may not yet know what the reason is, but please hang in there! The universe will embrace you, watch over you, and provide support. All you have to do is ask.
Love, hugs and blessings to you from a sister of the universe!

Brooke said...

Rachel, High school can be one tough experience, but I PROMISE that the best is yet to come. Just hang in there and keep a positive attitude and so many opportunities will be coming your way soon.

You are beautiful and very loved. Don't give into all the magazines and tv and movie stars. You are most beautiful when you feel confident and comfortable with yourself.

shar r said...

hi rachel,
you are enough!!!! just as you are. you don't need to meet everyone else's expectations. choose happiness. it is a choice. go do something special , just for yourself , today. love ya, take care. there is only one you and you need to look after yourself.

T Mark said...

Sometimes the future looks dim and people don't treat you the way they should. But you have so much potential to rise above them, be who YOU are because you are an INCREDIBLE person, and lead your future down the path of your dreams!

I may have never met you, but that doesn't matter...you are an amazing person and the future has so many awesome surprises in store for you!

We are all behind you...be incredible! Be yourself! And be proud of who you are!

April said...

Rachel -
your heartbreak is your strength, because without it you wouldn't know how to climb out of the dark hole of sadness and lock your gaze on the horizon, knowing that any further challenge cannot possibly knock you down again. You are allowed to option of knowing your own great inner fortitude.
As for the fat and ugly words you use - they are only words. Once you realize that you are beyond words, beyond definitions, and past perfection you will be unstoppable.
in the words of Marianne Williamson, "Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"

you have that light within you. go ahead, turn it on.

Each of us has darkness, whether it be the darkness of sadness, self-hate, rejection, the unknown, pain, or loneliness, but it is our ability to take the energy from the darkness and use it to fuel our light that makes us truly great. You have that ability, I know it.
Thank you for asking for help, it's the hardest part of healing.

"There is only Love. Everything else is our resistance to it."
-Terces Englehart

Michaela said...

Rachel, you are great, beautiful, wonderful, and everything that falls into that category that you think you're not. You have great potential and everything will work itself out in the end. I believe in you and so does everyone else who has commented today. Things will get better and you won't just be good, you'll be GREAT!!

The Adventures of a Blondie Mommie said...

Oh beautiful Rachel! You have SO much to give this world and the world has so much to give back to you! Believe in your amazing worth as a human being. You are a kind, intelligent, gorgeous person who is going to do FANTASTIC things in this life!

embracingthenest said...

Hi Rachel. ‘You knit me together in my mother’s womb.’ Psalms 139:13
The creator of the universe made you, Rachel. And He doesn’t make anything by mistake. You are here for a divine reason. You have a purpose. You are not here by accident. If you want to feel better, start everyday working on one area that you want to improve. Concentrate on that until you have it under control and are able to move on. Life can seem overwhelming sometimes, but slowing down the criticism of yourself and working toward something makes it more manageable. God did not make us to endure life but to enjoy life. This is the only one we get. We can’t waste it on the negative. We have much work to do. And I want to leave you with some really good news, ‘For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.’ Jeremiah 29:11-13

Jill said...

There is always something to get up for - and someone that loves and cares about you - even when it doesn't seem apparent. Know that you are an AMAZING young women, with a full life ahead of you.

I support and believe in the fabulous woman you are! <3

Anonymous said...

Growing up isn't easy, but it's going to make you that much stronger of a person when you get older. You're BEAUTIFUL and don't ever let anything or anyone make you think differently. You are uniquely you and we all have faith in you and love you.

Raine said...

You are so loved. You are worth it. You are beautiful. Things WILL start to look up. I know that it is difficult to believe, but it is true. You have touched so many lives, you probably don't even realize it.

I suffer from anxiety and depression, too. I suggest talking to someone, if you can, and seeing a doctor about meds. I don't know if you've been down this route or what you think about it, but I know it helps me a ton! The glass does not always have to be half empty.

Look at all of these people who care about you. No one was forced to leave a comment on your blog and no one is benefiting from it but you. Everyone wants you to know that you are beautiful and loved. I know you don't know me, but feel free to email me anytime. Sometimes it is nice to know that other people have the same feelings.

I will be thinking of you <3

DreamerJenn said...

Dear sweet Rachel-
Wanted to share a little nugget that helps get me through the moments when I've messed up, or feel particularly self-conscious, or whatever.
Uplift your beautiful spirit & soar, baby, soar!

"We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." -Anais Nin

Let your constellation's love-light shine Rachel! Deep breath. you can do it.
Take good care of you!

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

I may not know you, but I do know this--inside everyone is a light of strength that shines even in our darkest times. Like anything else in life, start small when looking for light and beauty. Maybe it's just a door held open or a smile from a stranger, but all are reminders of how you are loved and a part of something great. With each small step everyday, you will cover millions of miles to feeling healthy and strong.

Aaron said...

For me, motivation comes through perspective, through broadening the horizon of your personal experience, your individual sorrow, and looking at all the suffering and joy that exists in the world at large. Knowing that even when you feel like the smallest, lowest person on earth, there are thousands, no millions of people who feel just like you, who are suffering... and yet who continue to surge on, to fight for the happiness we all deserve. To demand acknowledgment and affection.

I've read your blog, I appreciate the emotional depth and vulnerability of your expressions. You are unbelievably courageous and I have enormous respect for that. Keep writing, keep striving for perfection. Someday, not too far off, I am convinced you will find it.

"The world is not cyclical, not eternal or immutable, but endlessly transforms itself, and never goes back, and we can assist in that transformation. Live on, survive, for the earth gives forth wonders. It may swallow your heart, but the wonders, keep on coming. You stand before them bareheaded, shriven. What is expected of you is attention." --Salman Rushdie

Megan said...

Rachel-

You are not alone! Learning to love ones self is one of the hardest things we as humans have to do, but it's a beautiful thing to learn. I once felt lost and this really helped me: Write down 3 things you REALLY want for your life - that are meaningful to you, make you smile, etc. Look at that piece of paper every morning and every night before you go to sleep. Then, take 1 TINY step each day with those things in mind - it should be so easy that you barely think anything of it. Little steps may seem insignificant, but once you start taking them you'll be amazed at how quickly you start walking in a new direction! There will be days you skip because you're not up for it, forget, or are just too busy, and that is perfectly OK (it happened to me quite often). Just always remember that your dreams aren't going anywhere and will always be patiently, lovingly waiting for you to come get them :)

Wishing you the very best,
Megan - San Francisco, CA


"The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be."

Anonymous said...

You are wonderful just the way you are. Keep your head up darling! More people need you than you think! I believe you have a journey filled with wonderful things to come! :)

VinaMist said...

Big hello Rachel!

You can pull through all of life's challenges like me. I have been through so many it is more than overwhelming. Yet I look to brighter days and believe in myself. You are not fat,you are beautiful. Believe in yourself and the things you love, do not let anyone put you down. Find your inspiration and passion and go with it. It will carry you through all the challenges of life.
My best friend lost his mother when he was young. He had social anxiety and went in and out of depression. He had a good life, yet troubled by his childhood past. He could never believe how great he was. He developed escapeintolife.com . He had a brilliant mind and the warmest heart you could ever know. He passed away last month. The community of artists and writers he developed are keeping his website alive. So many people he touched through the internet miss him deeply. Find your passion and thrive on it. You are healthy and beautiful. Do not ever think otherwise.

((hugs))
Teia

thespacebetweenmsandmrs said...

Rachel-
A poem I hope you enjoy:

With that Moon Language
"Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me".
Of course you do not do this out loud; otherwise someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.
Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in each eye that is always saying, with that sweet moon language,
what every other eye in the world is dying to hear."
~ Hafiz

Be strong and smile on...you are lovely.
hugs- M

Anonymous said...

Hi Rachel,

Like all the other wonderful people reaching out to you, I too just want to say Hang in there and believe in yourself.. No one person can make you happy, your are in charge of your happiness. Take small baby steps towards making yourself happy! I remember seeing this T-shirt that read "God does not make junk". I truly believe that is a true statement!

My favorite quote is:
"You gain strenth and courage by every
experience in which you usually stop to
look fear in the face. You must do the
thing you think you cannot do!"
by Theodore Roosevelt


RACHAEL LOOK WE ARE THE SAME SIGN TOO...
I bet if you look deep inside you will see 1 or more of these qualities in yourself, All Scorpio's are awsome...

SCORPIO - The Addict (October 23 to
November 21) EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to
joke. Very good sense of humour. Will try
almost anything once. Loves to be pampered.
Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser.
Always get what they want. Attractive.
Loves being in long relationships.
Talkative. Loves to party but at times to
the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of
money and is good at making it but just as
good at spending it! Very protective over
loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good
friend but if is disrespected by a friend,
the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring

Mare said...

Rachel - it's so hard to accept yourself sometimes and especially when life throws you the really hard balls. It might be impossible to see right now but you really are very talented. You take great pictures, write very well and maintain a blog which is something I keep trying to do and keep failing miserably.

I don't know the relationship you had with your dad, but would he want you to be so unhappy? What would he say to you? How would he cheer you up? I'm saddened his legacy (you) might not live up to her full potential.

Try to keep in mind your mom might be hurting too and she may not know how to help you since she might not know how to help herself.

Just think - if you can touch all these people leaving comments what a great impact you're having on those close to you? I see tons and tons of potential in you just from your blog. And really, I don't care if your hair is purple, I like what you write and how you portray yourself online.

Hang in there, sweet girl. You will come out of this more beautiful and stronger than you ever imagined. I can't wait to see the caterpillar blossom into the butterfly.

Anonymous said...

You deserve to be told everyday how wonderful you are.

Imogen said...

Believe that you are beautiful, because you truly are! you're amazing and valuable and incredible and you should never let anyone tell you otherwise, because THEY'RE the horrible ones, not you. Believe in yourself because things will get better - it may not seem like it, but I promise that they will. xxxxxxxxxxx Lots of love and hugs! <3

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Rachel

First, I'm sorry for the pain, loss, confusion, or deception you have faced that has brought you to this place in life. Life is tough enough without adding major negative experiences to it, so I can't fully imagine what it's been like to deal with all you've had to walk through, but I know it's been hard. I admire you for finding the strength and courage to face each new day as it comes.

I grew up in a good family with many great memories, something I am so incredibly grateful for. After graduating high school, life changed. My dad suddenly, unexpectedly passed away. Things you feel right now, I remember feeling too. They were dark days for a while, glimpses of hope few and far between. My family changed as we each walked through our pain and grief. Things would never be the same.

I share this with you Rachel to hopefully encourage you. Life may seem dark, hopeless, too hard to keep going. But don't stop. If all you can do is wake up the next day, and only just breath, it will be worth it. One step, one day at a time. You can do it, and you will see your life change for the better, if you aim to move in that direction. The pain and the sorrow may last for the night, but joy does come in the morning. God has transformed my life. Where there was sorrow, pain, darkness...there is now REAL happiness, healing, light and hope now. I pray for you, that you will keep going, to finally feel the light and hope at the end of your painful journey.

You are beautiful. You are worth being here. You are needed, loved, valuable. Don't let the world tell you differently. Don't let YOU tell you differently. People do believe in you and are cheering you on to overcome and be the best you can be. Don't give up! This world needs you, we need you, you're wanted and loved.
I. LOVE. YOU. Smile beautiful girl! :)

Joy

Suzie said...

You are beautiful and you are loved. It's a cliche, but things do get better with time. Never give up on yourself. <3

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U
Rachel, I just want you to know that everything we compare ourselves to is fake. Even the prettiest girls in your class have major insecurities, probably the same ones you have. Each one of is is flawed. The ones who believe they're perfect are the least attractive- have you ever met someone who didn't think there was a thing wrong with them? Did you enjoy being around them? It is only a pure heart that makes you beautiful. I mean, people say that all the time, but it's really true. If you believe you are beautiful, you will stand out because these kinds of girls are few and far between. How often are girls confident in their skin? These women are rare gems because they have unlocked the secret to being beautiful. I encourage you to find someone you think is beautiful, not just because of the way they look, but because of the way they act, and talk to them. Become their friend. True beauty is contagious. So surround yourself with people you want to become like, study women who you admire. The most beautiful women are the average-looking ones that are so pretty inside people can't help but be in awe of how gorgeous they are. Be confident that you have this power too, because you do.

Anonymous said...

PS- I wrote the comment above. Check out the link when you get a chance- it's a video that will change the way you think.

Jes said...

Rachel, You are a wonderful person who is very loved. I lost my dad 12 days before my 24th birthday. My youngest sibling was 8, and he looked at me and said, "Why did this happen when I was so young?" It broke my heart. I did not have an answer for him. In exactly 1 week, it will be 5 years since my dad passed away. I tell you all of this because I want you to know that you are not alone. I understand your pain. Not every day is easy, but overall they do get easier. There are many strangers out there who love you and support you, so lean on them and your friends and family.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~Christopher Robin to Pooh

Always remember that.

Mandy said...

Rachel,

You are INCREDIBLY beautiful! You are lovely and captivating. And on top of being lovely on the outside, you have incredible depth and captivating beauty on the inside.

I believe in who you. I TRUELY believe you are wonderful.
I will pray that God shows you and your heart how wonderful he thinks you are.

You are a treasure.

Rach said...

Hey Rachel, (We have the same name, already I think you're amazing!)

I just wanted to let you know how utterly fantastic you are. Right now, at this exact moment in time. Please don't ever change that.

I hope that one day you will be able to look in the mirror and love what you see, because you are beautiful already and you deserve to see that. Please don't hate yourself because there are so many people in this world that already love you just the way you are.

Sending lots of love, inspiration and admiration your way.

Rach xx

Anonymous said...

i understand. but always remember that you are irreplaceable. the world needs you
Kathryn

vintagegirl said...

Darling,
You are a beautiful woman and you will do great things one day. You just have to believe in yourself and find the beauty in the world around you.
I have faith in you,
xo
The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others. ~Author Unknown

Vesper said...

You will hear this so many times in these posts, but I too want to add my voice to the chorus: you are beautiful, a unique and strong young woman, who has endured a great deal with such grace. Right now the difficulties you have gone through cast a shadow, but don't let it consume your light.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes love isn't something you can recognize right away...but believe me, you are loved more than you know. Hang in there and never give up your hopes and dreams!

Marie said...

There are so many posts here, here just for you! You are a beautiful soul and that kind of beauty can not help but show inside and out. I am positive that you will find the courage to do things you want to do. I am positive you will conquer your fears. I am positive you will continue to be the amazing person you are! You are very much loved!

Anonymous said...

I believe in you!

Anonymous said...

If I could meet you I would give you a jar with many notes.
Each one telling you in a different way how strong, beautiful and amazing you are.

BreAnn said...

Dear Rachel,

I know what it's like to feel helpless and at the end of your rope. Just know that it will get better, and most of all that you are loved.

Mathilde said...

Like the song says: "dont worry, about a thing, cuz every little thing, is gonna be alright". Everything WILL be alright and things WILL get better. Sometimes, it does take longer than what we'd like but you're worth a million and life is not vain. You're loved and appreciated. Being able to write down your feelings shows that you do want to get better and feel better. Take life one day at a time. The sun will shine again :)
I'm sending you lots of hugs!

Anonymous said...

Rachel -
When I was a teen, I suffered from severe depression. I truly understand what you're going through. But as a 40-something who's a recovering bipolar something or another, I can tell you this: It's not as bad as it seems. It can get better. It will get better.

You can and will do amazing things.

The Internet believes in you. :-)

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are loved. You are beautiful.

Your father is still with you, watching you, loving you, seeing that you are a beautiful young girl filled with potential.

I've struggles with BMD for 11 years now. It began when I was 12; I'm now 23. I would hate to see you take the path that I've taken. I can't say I know what you're feeling -- I can't. All I can offer you are my thoughts and prayers, and my continual hope that you will look in the mirror and see a beautiful young lady one day.

Joe Dorn said...

Hi Rachel,

I can't say that I know what you're going through, but I will say that I understand. I lost my dad when I was 21. My sister was 18 and my brother had just turned 16. It's never easy. It never seems like the right time. But one of the last things my dad said to me was, "Take care of yourself."

I thought it was a weird thing to say - I thought it was going to be like a movie and he was going to give me some advice. Something inspiring. I was hardly inspired by "Take care of yourself".

A few months later, I started thinking about it, really thinking about it. I think, no - I believe, what he was trying to say to me was to make sure I literally took care of myself. I made sure I was doing all the things I needed to do for ME, you know? So I did. I took care of myself. I graduated college. I found a job. I settled down. I took his advice.

And you know what? You can do that too. We all can.

Take care of yourself, Rachel! You can do it!

-Joe

Amanda Chils said...

You are lovely, and you are not alone. Dont lose faith, you will always be rewarded for perseverance. Im sending you good thoughts and encouragement!

pinksuedeshoe said...

Even when things are as dark as can be, if you give things time light will creep back into your life. There is always a silver lining. Always. Sometimes at first glance that little bit of silver just seems like another depressing layer of gray. But if you give it time and wait for just a little bit, the sun will come out and that little bit of silver will start to glitter, and it will reflect light and hope to parts of your life you never expected it to reach. And with time, blue skies will start to creep back into view.

Hold on, it will come. It always does.

Caellach1990B said...

Sweetness, we all have times of doubt and hardships. It WILL get better. It might not be immediate but you have to hold onto whatever good you can find in life, even if it's a tiny ray of sunshine through the clouds or the drops of dew hanging off the tips of a pine tree's needles. Find beauty everywhere, especially in yourself- because you ARE beautiful. And most importantly have a positive attitude. Say out loud that you're beautiful. Say out loud that today will be a good day. Believe it. You have so many people who care about you simply because they know you're alive. You can make your life good my dear!
-Kelly

Lisa Dunne said...

Dear Rachel,
It's never too late. You have so much going for you. I wish you could see your own beauty!
In the meantime take the love and support that I and everyone else here is sending out to you, you are special. I will be checking your blog to hear all about your bright new days!

JennSki said...

Rachel,

You are loved, you are beautiful. Be yourself, you are original and that is perfect. Hang in there, you are not alone.

Jenn

Anonymous said...

Rachel,
You have already endured so much during your life, and its just a matter of time before things will be going uphill for you :) Don't ever lose hope because you have all of us here to support you!

Sarah said...

It is so hard being judged and feeling like you are always judged. It's difficult as a teenager it is easy to feel as if people are always watching. My best friend was going through a lot of the same stuff you are and I didn't feel like there was anything I could do to help. Just know this there are people out there who want to help you and do care about you. Good Luck you can keep going even though it seems impossible sometimes you will be okay.

April said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica said...

I'd love to share a quote that has gotten me through the darkest of times:

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
- Albert Camus

Hold on to that summer Rachel~*

~April~ said...

Rachel,

I looked at the pictures you have posted, and the first thing I thought was why does this lovely young lady have such a horrible self-image... My favorite quote is "Everything's dark when your eyes are closed." I think that may apply to you... you've closed your eyes to all the beauty God has put on this world. Including yourself. People can be crappy, and they will always drag you down if you let them. Don't! Refuse to let their negativity effect you. You are amazing and full of potential! Now start acting like it.

Chas said...

Dear Rachel,

Life can seem endlessly dreary sometimes, but just know that you are worth all the sunshine that the world can give. There is no doubt in my mind that you are LoVeD, but the most important part is that you give yourself love and believe that you deserve love. Everyone deserves love including you. It is incredibly brave to put your feelings about yourself out to the world. That takes a lot of courage and strength. Things will get better. As I approached my 35th birthday this year I looked back on my "teens" and "twenties" and realized how much time I wasted on beating myself up over how I looked or what others thought of me. I don't do that anymore...I love ME and have a lot to offer to my friends, family, community, coworkers and so forth...it may not feel like it right now, but you will get there and feel that too. Everyday look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful! One day you will look back at yourself from the mirror and BELIEVE it!! Take care lovely girl!!

Elli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elli said...

We don't claim to fully understand every single thing you're going through, but we have experienced similar things. We know that you're in pain. We know that it's hard to go to school and to look at yourself.
But we want you to know that you're beautiful.
We want you to know that you're loved.
We want you to know that we believe in you.
There is your inspiration.
Life can be beautiful.

Best wishes. <3

Chelsea said...

Rachel,
Your message is clear and clearly heard. So we are here - us - you don't know - to encourage you to please PLEASE press on - even if you feel you cannot. Press on. Keep pressing on. Do not give in - that is what the world will tell you, that you are not enough. You ARE enough, without changing at all. YOU are. You ARE. YOU alone without any changes. None of us are perfect people; none of us look perfect. However YOU are the only YOU there is a what a drab sad world it would be without you in it. I promise - do not take that away from us. WE need you. We may not let you know enough but we are letting you know today and now. We love you. Even when we(the world) fail you. Look up. Look UP!

kelsey said...

Dear Rachel.
It's easy to say that things will get better and give words of encouragement from an outsider's point of view. I know that sometimes in a bad situation we can't see the light on the other side of the storm no matter what anyone says. But just because we can't see the light at the moment doesn't mean it isn't there. Everything in life changes at some point and it is only a matter of time before this storm will pass, and I know you are strong enough to get through it. Just know that you are loved by so many people.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Keep going. You'll make it through. Sending hugs...And don't worry, I'm not a relative who found your blog.

Jan said...

You have already read so many words of love and encouragement - but I wanted to add mine too. I've always had weight/body image issues -- but at age 57, I know that what's inside is what counts. And what's inside of you is lovely. Don't forget that.

jan

James said...

Rachel,

Keep your chin up. Everything will be all right, it starts with you believing and trusting that. Every comment here has been written by someone who already believes in you. You are a beautiful girl, inside and out. For every negative thought you have, find something positive to say, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant it may seem in the moment. You will feel better. I'm rooting for you. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

"...what I need is some..."

inspiration:
http://www.inspirational-quotes.info/dreams.html

I need someone I admire to tell me every thing's going to be alright: http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/The+Middle/2zvUp3

That they believe in me:
http://th09.deviantart.net/fs4/PRE/i/2004/210/c/4/I_Believe_In_You.jpg

That I'm not the fat failure I think I am:
http://blogs.getty.edu/iris/an-alternative-beauty-pagean/comment-page-1/#comment-3927
(I nominated you.)

Danielle said...

I have felt like you feel many times. You just have to focus on the things you do love about yourself and stop the negative self talk. I wish I could tell you how. Right now, I'm at my fattest, so I can't tell you how to change your thinking because I'm stuck in my own issues. One thing I can tell you is that you are loved and supported-- just look at all the people who are reaching out to you. It's proof you're something special.

Anonymous said...

Hello, lovely Rachel!
I know we don't know each other, but I just want to give you a HUGE hug nonetheless, and to tell you that you are SO loved and you ARE lovely and beautiful, dear one! And might I add that you also write really, really well, too?! I wish I had your talent when I was your age! And, um, now at age 31, too; eek! :)
I'm going to try to write better--YOU inspire me! : )
I believe in you! You are amazing and a bright, shining star! Just don't let those clouds (negative thoughts) cover up your light, okay? For you ARE a bright star, beautiful, talented, intelligent, and so very loved!
I sincerely wish you the best, and hope you begin to feel loads better.

(((HUG)))

Love to you,
Lisa :)

Bessie said...

Hi there,
I am here to support you and to tell you that you are important, beautiful, special, precious, loved, wanted, needed, sweet, pretty, smart, strong, good, wonderful, with great character and an amazing young woman who is a gift to this world :o)
Sending lots of big hugs and prayers your way!!!
Laura

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

I know we are strangers, but I just wanted to let you know that you are a beautiful person. Your beauty shines through your writing and how you express yourself with it. Have faith in yourself, and know that good things are coming. You are loved.

adhernandez said...

"Success"
Inaccurately attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

"To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded."

There is so much to live for and so much to be grateful about. YOU are unique and YOU are an amazing individual. Show the world what you can do.

Danny H
http://dannyh.com

Gwen said...

you are loved <3

Ash said...

Rachel,

It can be easy to get caught up in everything that is going wrong. The more you look for that the easier it is to see and the harder it becomes to step out from that fog.

The fact that you take the time to share these posts lets me know that you do care about these issues and at some level don't believe that you are ugly, fat etc. Hopefully the blast of comments you have received is helping to show that you can just as easily find support and people who appreciate you for who you are and part that you contribute to this world.

What we find in the world is often dictated by what we are looking for. Find one thing that you are proud of and know makes you special. You will surprised how easily will will start to get to find more of those things hidden in new places.

Tillie said...

Oh beautiful girl. you are so loved, and so capable, and so beautiful. You are so kind, and so sweet. You are a light, and right now things might appear a little dim, but i KNOW that they are going to get so bright for you! Hang in there precious girl. Each day that little bit of hope will expand.

Dance, Laugh and most importantly smile. You are amazing. <3

Paige said...

Rachel, Please believe that things will get better because they will. You are a wonderful, brave individual who is so courageous to blog what you have written. I don't know what it is to lose a parent but I do know what it is to feel like you have described. Don't give up. God 'knows the plans He has for you, plans to prosper you and give you a future.' Things might not feel like they will change but honey, they will. Things will get better. Reach out and claim your life for yourself. You have a future full of wonderful things.

Caroline said...

you are beautiful. you are sweet. you are cool. you are amazing. things will be better soon, I promise. you can get past this. don't worry. we all love you so much.

Lindsay said...

Keep your chin up. Things are hard at times but they will always get better... always! Hugs from afar! :)
xoxo,
Lindsay

laurel said...

Dearest Rachel,
You are loved. Don't ever forget that. You are young, you have so much time to do so many amazing things. If you fall, you have the time to stand back up and try again... so you will never be a failure. You are beautiful, don't ever give up!!!

Laura said...

Dear Rachel,

You are a beautiful, wonderful, *worthy* person. Things will get better - it may not seem that way now, but it will, I believe it. Please hold on and believe in yourself.

With much love, thoughts and prayers xxx

underthebigbluesky said...

Rachel, so glad to have seen this today. What I see here in this space shows me that you are worth something. I mean look at what you have created.

I don't know your situation, but I've had my own situations to deal with. I remember a time when I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out I felt so bad.

I am so glad to see that you are blogging and I recommend you keep up with it. I have always said that blogging is a cheap form of therapy! When you write here, you seem to be very honest and that is the best gift you can give to yourself and those around you your honest feelings.

I don't know what the answer is for you, but I know it will come. Life is crazy, mixed up but one day I hope you will be at a place where you on top of the world and will look back and see how far you have come.

Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the good times when you haven't suffered through the dark ones.

Hang in there, be honest and don't give up. Therapy, medication, friends, whatever it takes, don't be afraid to FIGHT for this life of yours because there are so many opportunities ahead. I would hate that the world would have to miss out on what you have to offer and you will find it, I promise.

Anonymous said...

Rachel. I dont know youm but from reading your blog, i can tell that you are one of the most beautiful, amazing people ever. Just know that you are never alone. You may feel like you are the only one but you arenot. I was diagnosed with bulimia about a year ago and am stillstruggling with it. I promise, things will get better, just know that there are people that do care for you and dont want to see you hurting like this. Iloveyou.

Nancy Boyd said...

Hi Rachel,

After reading your post, I have so many things I want to say to you. My heart is filled with so much I hardly know where to start.

I want most of all to let you know this:

1) You are not alone. Even when you think you are. Especially then.

2) Know deeply that whatever is bothering you will pass. That's both good news and bad news -- 'cos the things that are bothering you right now will change and get better, but the things you like and wish you could hold onto also change. That's just kinda how it works -- and I suspect you know that, too.

When things feel bad, know that it won't last, even though you may be afraid it will. Experience will show you this. Have courage to learn how that works. You can do it.

3) This moment -- the one right now -- is all you need. Look at what is around you. Notice the colors. Notice that there is movement. Notice your kitten! When you stay present to what is going on *right now* -- and not worry about either what already happened, or what *might* happen in the future -- it's easier to cope with your feelings.

Not sure why that works, but it does.

4) YOU are enough -- and just perfect -- the way you are. Yes, you are always in the process of becoming who you hope to be (if you want to, that is. . . ) -- but start with what you have right now. It's wonderful!

That may sound like "good advice" but let me say too that I've been in some pretty dark places in my life -- and by using what I've just said (and by letting people know I was hurting), I am now living a great life, better than I ever could have dreamed possible then.

Give the goodness a chance to unfold; it doesn't happen all at once. But it will if you let it -- and want it.

I say go for it :-)

You have nothing to lose and so much is waiting for you.

May you always know peace and love.

Amelia said...

Everything will be okay. I know there are times when it seems like that's impossible, but it's true. Things really do have a way of getting better if you hang on in there for long enough.

Personally, I think that absolutely everyone has something beautiful about them and that definitely rings true for you.

You ARE beautiful.

Even if you can't see it, even if you don't think other people can see it, it's there. And it's there every day.

Stay strong, keep believing that things will get better and then MAKE them get better.

I know you can do it; you've got beauty. Inside and out.

trudyaperry said...

Frankly if you were 18 and you didn't think you were too fat/ugly/unpopular/drank too much, then I'd be really worried about you - that would be ABNORMAL! LOL

I just lost my mom to lung cancer this past March. I know that loss is a horrible thing. But none of your loved ones (those gone, or those still present) would want to see you beating yourself up this way. YOUR LIFE is NOW. Don't waste a single second of it being overly hard on yourself. It's called the Present for a reason - it's a precious gift :)

I am almost 41 years old. It took me until I was 35 to find my career & purpose in life (massage therapist), and really hit my stride & feel like I fit in anywhere.

I am also 5 feet tall & NOT THIN. My body mass index is right next to the man that Geraldo took out of his house with a fork lift. Trust me - I can say with authority that I've flossed my teeth with things much fatter than you are.

But none of my bumps, rolls, or gray hairs stop me from loving myself one bit. And you should be the same.

As you get older you will learn to accept and love (yes, LOVE) yourself exactly as you are. And as I sit here typing this there are already 263 people who don't even know you who think you're fantastic. Not all 263 people can be wrong. As a matter of fact, I'm sure we're all RIGHT.

God doesn't make mistakes - he makes miracles. YOU ARE A MIRACLE - please believe in yourself!!

We love you!

Trudy

Meg said...

"Curve, the loveliest distance between two points." - Mae West

Beauty is something we make of it. You must learn to define yourself...to love yourself, Rachel. And from the little I have read, you have lots to love about yourself just as you are. =) Anything you don't like about yourself, you have the choice, the power to change.

"You are not just yourself, my Friend, you are the sky and the deep sea. This powerful You is a thousand times bigger than the sea, in which a thousand ‘you’s’ could be drowned." -- Rumi

Spiral Bettie said...

You were always meant to be here, the way you are right now. No one else can contribute to the world the talents that came to earth with you. The world would be cheated if you hold back the light inside.

I must tell you that in love, knowing that I have walked the same path that you are speaking of. I do not say it in a way that sounds like I know better, but in a way that you believe.

I too, lost my dad on my tenth birthday. I suffered immense abuse from my mom, and tried to fix the hole in my chest with an eating problem. Being around crowds of people drained me. I would rather talk to one friend at a time. I was homeless living in my car, trying to go to college. And just like you, I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be better.

There was this fire that kept me alive. My fire was art. Find YOUR fire, Rachel! Keep looking!
Imagine your self at the age of 30, looking back on you now, telling you what an amazing life you have waiting. It is true!

Be kind to yourself and don't try to be like anyone else. That is not why you are here, Love.
Trust me when I say that even though we are strangers, that I do love you from here! Blessings to you.

Love from Kaz said...

I flunked out of high school, but I found my way into some interesting jobs and went to university later (through a mature age program - I was all of 25!). Now I work as a journalist and love my job. But I remember so clearly being 17 and not knowing what I was going to do with my life... I had low self esteem but I had big dreams. It's your dreams that get you through. Hold onto them and treasure them and keep going.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you are AMAZING just the way you are. <3

Steve said...

Hey Rachel, i like that your blog is WhatYouNeverKnewAboutMe because this blog is all i know of you :) You seem like a lovely girl who genuinely cares about others. which is a beautiful thing! It just seems like you're having trouble figuring life out for yourself. I've been in similar situations in my life and God was always there for me. i'm not going to preach to you :) but i will say that God put people and situations in my life that showed me that a lot of my problems were a perspective problem. I was always looking backwards and thinking things like "if only i could get back to that place" or "go back in time and change things". i finally realized i couldn't. If you're constantly looking behind you while still trying to move forward you are bound to bump into things and even hurt yourself. The future is a wide open place, full of possibilities, how will you live yours? I'll be praying for you girl. God does some crazy awesome things, and i'll be praying that He does lots in your life. I'm rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

Hello, my beautiful young woman.

You are a strong, gorgeous, perfect human being and you owe yourself some self-love. Always know that there are people that love you out there and you are constantly in someone's thoughts. Stay strong and let the positivity into your life that's trying to make an appearance. Embrace who you are. You have so much to give to the world. I believe in you and know you have the power to do great things.

Operation Beautiful said...

You are a strong, perfect, BEAUTIFUL, independent woman, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Never let anyone tell you differently!

www.operationbeautiful.com

Anonymous said...

hmm, I wonder what you would think of me. Would you think I am fat and ugly? Would you think I have no talent? What about that little black mouse I just saw scurry across my porch. I wonder if he thinks about how he looks? Or is he just living his life, letting others live theirs, not worrying about how he appears, if he is good enough. There is beauty and ugliness in everything...we choose what we see. I hope you can soon see your beauty...because I do... and I am sure that little cat on your shoulder does.

Tyler said...

my heart aches and goes out to you Rachel, not because I "feel bad for you," but because I know these are lies you are listening to. you are a gorgeous woman who is searching for meaning. there is greatness within you, Rachel, and don't let anyone tell you different. I am praying hard for you, and I hope you know that when everything seems to fall away, you are a lovely daughter of a God who is madly in love with you. You are His treasure, and He died so He could be with you.

Again, my prayers and encouragement go out to you. Keep your head up high, and realize that there is love in the world. you are a beloved one, and those that seek to do you harm are just as broken and hurting as you feel.

Never give up Rachel. You are loved--and immeasurably so!

kelliegonzo said...

my dear, you are light, you are magic.

the world loves you as you are it's child.

never lose hope.

sending you lots of good vibes and a big hug <3

princessfats said...

Rachel, your life will get so much better than you could possibly imagine. The age you are right now is really, really tough. But you will get through it, and you will get out, and it will get so much better. Hang in there ... it's so worth it. : )

Elizabeth said...

Rachel, I know that the world can be overwhelming and hard to handle. I wish I knew the perfect thing to say to make all your troubles disappear. Just take things one day at a time, one moment at a time. Take a deep breath and do just one thing on that list of 'too much to do' today. It will help a lot. You are beautiful. Don't ever doubt that. And don't let the world tell you that 'skinny' is the only way to be. Women come in all sizes and shapes and every one of them is beautiful. Chin up.

xo -E

Tea said...

Everyone else has said anything I could have possibly said :) We're strangers that will probably never encounter each other IRL, but just know that I think that you write beautifully and you're special and you matter. I will pray for you and keep you in my thoughts!

xoxo

Amber said...

Rachel, if I could tell you one thing it would be that your life right now is NOT your life forever. When we're young we forget that and we often think that our life how it is right now, is how it will always be. When I was a teenager I was to be very depressed and suicidal, I was so sure that my life would never get better, that the pain that I was feeling right then, was pain I would always feel. I thought that because I felt uncomfortable in my own skin at 16, that it meant I would feel that uncomfortable for always. It's not true honey, please believe me. As long as you have life, you have hope. With hope you can do anything, and accomplish, and be anything that you want. When I read your words, I see a little bit of myself, what I was like growing up. You're beautiful, obviously very intelligent, and you're an emotional and very deep person. These are things that you must celebrate and accept. Nobody is perfect, no BODY is perfect, and why should we want it to be? This is life, not heaven, we don't have to be perfect! Perfection doesn't exist in this world. Eating disorders and feeling fat and unhappy with ourselves is all about wanting to gain control of our lives, in this case, with food. Honey, you're so intelligent and special, you have many other ways to gain control of you life. Write down your feelings, shout your story out to all who will listen, love yourself, embrace yourself, share your pain, don't let it control you. I believe in you so much and I haven't even met you! I send you so much love and a bunch of hugs, and I just want to remind you one last time, that you CAN get through all that you're dealing with right now. You can have an awesome life for yourself one day, you just have to let yourself have it. Give yourself a chance, give life a chance sweetheart.

I'm 27 years old now, with a much better life. Someday you're going to look back and think the same!

If you ever need to talk, you can reach me at: missamberlynne@gmail.com

LOVE and HUGS,
Amber

pixiemama said...

You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be anything. You just have to be you.

You are enough.

You are beautiful.

You are lovely.

You are loved.

LOOK HOW LOVED YOU ARE!

Embrace this.

Try to let the love in. Let it envelop you.

metonymy said...

Hey Rachel,

There is so much that is awesome about this world, and leaving it when you are so young and have barely begun to see, smell, touch, taste and hear it - it's just not worth it. I know you're going through some really hard times right now, and it might not seem like it, but I promise that things are going to get better. And hey, look - you have so many people pulling for you, who came here to support you and show you their love. Print out their messages and read them all one by one and remember: you are loved, you are worthy of that love, and you are going to be okay.

Julie (Glamour Damaged) said...

Rachel- Life gets better!! REAL better! When i was 17, boy did I go through alot. I felt alone and scared. Im 28 right now, and boy oh boy is life amazing. Only YOU can turn things around! You have SO SO much life to live and things to look forward to. You have the power to do anything you want and make life amazing. High School isnt everything. Once your out of it for 10 years, you will see how miniscule it will mean for your life. Keep your head up!

xoxo Julie
www.GlamourDamaged.typepad.com

Livi said...

Oh sweety *hugs* you ARE beautiful and I'd put money on you being the only person who doesn't see it. You are special and talented and gorgeous in a way that only you can be. There is no one else in the entire world like you, never has been and never will be.
It's tough but you can learn to love yourself and be proud of who you are.
Lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Amanda said...

Rachel.

Isn't it wonderful to know that people out there care about how you feel? Just as YOU care about how others feel - you are kind and have a generous spirit.

Why don't you try something for me today (although I realise all the people who've posted before me have probably given you a list of Things To Do that is a mile long! Isn't that great?):

Give Something (be it a kind thought, a cup of tea, a smile, whatever you can muster) To Everyone You Come Into Contact With Today.

I make this suggestion because my friend Michael gave me a fantastic little book the other day called "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" (sounds a bit "Businessy", but I assure you it's not) and when I DID this, when I DECIDED to ask "What does THIS person need?", I started to feel better: kinder, more open, more Human. I started to lighten up and to enjoy other people and I realised that I had started to forget about myself. What a relief that was!

Here's something the author of that book, Deepak Chopra, says about how Giving to others affects us:

"Practising the Law of Giving is actually very simple: if you want joy, give joy to others; if you want love, learn to love; if you want attention and appreciation, learn to give attention and appreciation...If you want to be blessed with all the good things in life, learn to silently bless everyone with all the good things in life".

Lately, I've felt the same uncertainty that you do, the same frailty, the same need to control and the same doubt. I hope it comforts you to know, Rachel, that your feelings are just like MY feelings: we experience them in pretty much the same way.

Start your giving when you can and pay attention to how it makes you feel IN YOUR BODY - it'll feel good, I promise you. And then you'll be able to share some of that goodness with us in your (very well-written) blog.

xxx Amanda

P.S. Some of the most "successful" people in the world didn't go to University...x

Anonymous said...

Hi gorgeous, my name's Laura.
My dad died when I was 16, leaving behind myself and my mom. Even though it's been 2 years, it feels like yesterday. Through luck, I'm doing okay right now. I could never understand what you're going through, but you're not alone.
You don't need to starve yourself to be beautiful, you already are. More importantly, you're loved! Look at all of these other comments, it's clear people care about you. Your life is precious, never forget that. EVERY thing you go through, no matter how dark, no matter how terrible it may seem at the time, can be overcome.
Don't let life bring you down, we only have one shot at this and just because things seem messed up or hopeless, doesn't mean they are. Trust me, you will get through this, and be all the stronger for it.
Never give up on yourself.<3

Anonymous said...

Rachel -- YOU ARE AMAZING! The struggles you have been through are impossible for me to imagine but the fact that you are still here, still breathing, still waking up every morning shows that you are already more than STRONG enough to get through anything life has to throw at you. I know that it's hard to swallow, but I do believe that there is a reason for everything, even if we can't see it right now - all that you have been through has only equipped you to go on through life, making things better, perhaps even helping others who have gone through similar tragedies. Continue seeking conversation with as many people as you can who love you and care about you - talking about how you feel will make a world of difference, making your heart lighter with each passing day. I want you to know that you are also beautiful -- everyone and I mean EVERYONE has issues with their bodies. You need to fortify yourself with nutrients, eat well, stay active, drink water. Food is meant to be enjoyed, not shackle us. If you believe in yourself and in your heart's power to heal, the beauty that I KNOW you possess will come pouring out of you... Light your corner of the world. Stay strong and know that we are all pulling for you.

Rachel said...

It's progression, not perfection.

Kristie said...

You are a beautiful and sweet young lady. I know life can seem tough at times. We get thrown curve balls that we aren't ready to catch. It's not easy, but know this...it will get better. Hold onto your faith. You are in my thoughts and consider me one of your most faithful prayer warriors. Lifting you up sweet friend!

Scott Schluter said...

Rachel,

You are more than you think you are.

Inspiration? I think you see it here in all these people caring enough to comment.
Everything is going to be alright.
You are not the fat failure you think you are.
It is never too late.

LCpl'sPrincess said...

Hi pretty girl, your self awareness at your age is so amazing, I think you have such an honest -tell it like it is- approach to writing! ever thought about being a journalist? I lost my sister (she was one year younger than me) when I was 22, Time heals all wounds! and you will be a stronger person for every issue you over come! This phase of hating the way you look passes, this I can promise you. I used to hate everything about the way I looked, and such is the nature of being a woman to be your own worst critic ;) Life has so much in store for you, just keep pushing through! You will never regret it!

PickleLady said...

I have felt like you many times in my life. I am 33, and just starting to learn to accept myself and love myself. All I can offer is the experience of my years, and the love in my heart.

Thank you for having the courage and strength to reach out. Today, you have inspired me.

The meanderings of a history hound said...

Hi Rachel,

Reading through your blog is like opening a box to sift through the emotions & thoughts that I had at one time. I still remember those overwhelming & painful feelings very vividly.

Someone told me then that "This to shall pass." and that I had to put one foot in front of the other, to take a deep breath and set small easily attained goals for myself to get myself through that day. At the time, I thought to myself, "Yah RIGHT! Put yourself in my shoes Lady!" But she had a point. Some days it was as simple as opening the curtains to let the light in, actually eating breakfast and trying to smile at just one person that day.

Self loathing is a tough one to kick. I finally put it at bay by doing something small each day for someone else and something for myself too because it made ME feel better.

You are not an ugly fat failure, you are promise, full of possibilities. You have the potential to do what ever you'd like with your life. Harness that possibility, own it and tame it. Make it yours and you will soar farther than you could ever dream imaginable.

I just wanted to leave you some little bits that have helped pull me through some pretty rough times. I've put these in so many places to remind myself that I can do it, I just need to keep going.

The best way out is always through. ~ Robert Frost

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

To fly, we have to have resistance. ~ Maya Lin

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. ~ Robert F. Kennedy


And my favorite: Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity. ~ Louis Pasteur

One last quote from my friend Erin Ritchie:
Inspiration and motivation are transient things. What you need is determination. That will see you through to the end when the other two fall away.

The Sparkle Brigade will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

If you need a virtual hug, a bit of cheer or an ear, you can find me through my blog.

Noel/ Hoyden

Anonymous said...

I'd like to be able to say, that I know how you feel, and that I'm positive everything will turn out to be a'ok. Unfortunatly, I don't know how you feel. And as I can't see the future, I can't assure you that everything will be ok.
But I can say that things will get better. Maybe not right away, but eventually there will be a turning point in your life. You'll see yourself in a new light, and things will start looking up.
I may not know you, but I do believe in you, and I don't think you're a failure. I really hope things get better for you.

The meanderings of a history hound said...

Hi Rachel,

Reading through your blog is like opening a box to sift through the emotions & thoughts that I had at one time. I still remember those overwhelming & painful feelings very vividly.

Someone told me then that "This to shall pass." and that I had to put one foot in front of the other, to take a deep breath and set small easily attained goals for myself to get myself through that day. At the time, I thought to myself, "Yah RIGHT! Put yourself in my shoes Lady!" But she had a point. Some days it was as simple as opening the curtains to let the light in, actually eating breakfast and trying to smile at just one person that day.

Self loathing is a tough one to kick. I finally put it at bay by doing something small each day for someone else and something for myself too because it made ME feel better.

You are not an ugly fat failure, you are promise, full of possibilities. You have the potential to do what ever you'd like with your life. Harness that possibility, own it and tame it. Make it yours and you will soar farther than you could ever dream imaginable.

I just wanted to leave you some little bits that have helped pull me through some pretty rough times. I've put these in so many places to remind myself that I can do it, I just need to keep going.


If you're going through hell, keep going. ~ Winston Churchill

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

To fly, we have to have resistance. ~ Maya Lin

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. ~ Robert F. Kennedy


And my favorite: Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity. ~ Louis Pasteur

One last quote from my friend Erin Ritchie:
Inspiration and motivation are transient things. What you need is determination. That will see you through to the end when the other two fall away.

The Sparkle Brigade will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

If you need a virtual hug, a bit of cheer or an ear, you can find me through my blog.

Noel/ Hoyden

The meanderings of a history hound said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Inia Pece said...

Hey there. You might not read all the comments people leave, but if you do, and if you ever read this, I just want you to know that you are loved because you are who you are.
Just because things aren't the way you want them to be [these days], doesn't mean they'll keep that way.
I might not know you, and I'm pretty sure you have no idea who I might be, but it doesn't matter, you seem like a wonderful person, and you should be aware of that.
I hope you feel a lot better soon.
Be happy, there's a long way to go and the road's way better when you smile. For you and for the people around ya. =]
And as soon as you get inspired enough, let us [readers] know!

heidi said...

Sweet Rachel,

Your blog touched my heart. I went through similar experiences around 17 - 18, depression, eating disorders, suicide attempts. I remember so clearly what it feels like to hate yourself, to feel like a failure, to not be able to imagine any kind of good future for yourself. I remember the despair and my heart breaks for you as you go through it right now.

At 17 - 18, there is so much you don't know yet. You don't know that right now that this time will pass, that you will change in ways you never thought possible, that all kinds of good surprises are waiting for you, that you will grow into an amazing woman and your life will be better than you ever imagined. This is just one season of your life, and I know you can't see that now. One day you are going to look back at this time and be so amazed and grateful at how far you've come.

Hang in there, Rachel. I know you are going to be so much better than fine.

Lots of love from someone who has been there

Mebediel said...

Hi, there, Rachel!
In terms of weight, I'm also in the "healthy" range, and I used to call myself "fat". I almost became anorexic because of that (but I still ate three meals a day, just in teeny portions). I'd beat myself up a lot just because I thought I was not thin enough to be beautiful...but one day I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought, "Does being 'thin' really matter? Am I really going to base my life around how much I'm going to eat and exercise? Everyone I know is beautiful in their own way; then what about me? God certainly doesn't want me to starve myself."
Lesson learned: I don't have to be thin to be beautiful.
I know a lot of people say that, but that's because it's true. It just takes a lot of going-through to realize it.

You're beautiful. *hugs*

And don't worry, I'm not a family member of yours. ;)

Laura said...

Please know that you are loved! No matter what happens in life, things always get better!!!! And don't forget... If a door gets slammed in your face, check for open windows!

traceyjay said...

I hated high school completely... it was wretched in so many ways... It's still hard for me to believe that I went back as a high school teacher for a few years before I had my son...

With that said:

This I can promise you -- most of the rest of your life isn't like high school. It changes. You have more power. Your hormones level out. You can learn to care so much less about what other people think of you... sure other people can always hurt us, but you can actually learn to give yourself that love and respect you most need.

There's this crazy psychological phenomenon called "cognitive dissonance"... basically, what that means is that our thoughts can live in discord with our actions... how that translates in to real life --> if you do things that you admire or respect, you automatically start thinking in those ways. Of course it's not easy, but it's also not hopeless.

Stay in counseling, but make sure it's a good counselor.

Authority figures in your life will come and go, and eventually, you'll get to a point where you're healthy and can be your own.

Godspeed your healing, and Godspeed peace to you, even now.

Just remember -- it won't always be like this... life isn't easy, but it isn't hopeless either.

traceyjay said...

(I meant to say our thoughts canNOT live in discord with our actions... forgive my typo)

Anonymous said...

I can really relate to how you're feeling, but it will get better. One day you'll realise that you are a beautiful, intelligent, entirely unique and amazing person, I just know it. You will do amazing things with your life, I really believe you can. Every day hundreds of people quit. All you have to do is not quit, and by default you’re gonna make it. Add to that all of your amazing traits and you are bound to succeed at anything you put your mind to.
I believe in you so much, just keep going and everything will be okay in the end.

xxx

Anonymous said...

I used to have eating disorder tendencies also. Trust me, you're not fat. We just see ourselves this way constantly. It's normal to have a skewed sense of self when you're like us. What I've found though is that being active helps. If I feel like I'm staying in shape, I feel better about what's in front of me in the mirror. Also, try eating small, healthy meals. It won't seem quite as overwhelming.

Right now things suck but you'll get through it. You really will. You can do this!!! Things can ONLY go up ...

Anonymous said...

Rachel -- there are so many good thoughts being sent your way right now! Know that you are a wonderful writer and an amazing person!

SarahElizabeth said...

Rachel,

I can tell you from experience, that things *do* get better. My teen years were hell. I struggled with bad impulsive behaviors, wild mood swings, social anxiety issues, and I hated the way I looked.

At 23, things are looking up. I won't lie-things aren't perfect, and I still have issues. But with age, you kind of learn who you are and you gain some self-acceptance. In a few years, it's likely you'll look at pictures of yourself now and say, "Damn! I never realized how pretty I was!" Seriously.

Being a teen sucks. Hang in there. I swear, adulthood really has its rewards. You'll make it, babe. And because of your early struggles, you'll likely grow into a very empathetic, understanding, and loving young woman.

I Care said...

I love you, God loves you, all these other people who commented on your blog love you. There are rough spots in life, but everyone has them. You WILL get through. I promise. And by the way, you look good. :) When you smile you look great :D and on the inside you are perfectly gorgeous! I get it about depression. I mean, when life gets tough it's hard to just face it. But take things one at a time. Focus on what you do have, what's good, and the little things that most people don't take the time to notice. :) I <3 you. And love's an amazing thing.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful Sister-

In a society that looks more at the outside than the inside it's hard to feel you matter. Think about how far you've already progressed since you've been given this gift of life!

Beth

Bre! said...

Hey there Rachel!
Deep down you know that you're beautiful, i'm not going to spill some BS on you that everyone in the world is beautiful in their own special way, because that's a lie. They may have a beautiful personality, don't get me wrong. Anyways, you can make it through this, you are strong enough because you have made it into counseling, You have taken a step that most people avoid like the plague. You are beautiful and when you make it past this, you'll look back at this with shock and awe at what you have made it through. Side note: you are the farthest thing from fat and/or ugly! Try to apply yourself in highschool, but don't bury yourself in work either! It gets easier as time goes by. You're inspirational. You are loved. I love you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, txt 803.574.9754
Love always!
Bre

June B. said...

Rachel,

I absolutely believe that every person on this earth was put here for a reason and they exist for a reason. YOU are here because you are needed and wanted. To someone...you are the whole world, and you may not have even met that person yet. I don't have all the answers for bad things that happen, but over time I have learned to love myself. Make the decision to love yourself. You are SO worth it!!

Anonymous said...

As someone who had a rough childhood, I can tell you life gets better as you get older. You probably have had to act like an adult more than you should have, but once you really are one, you will be able to go through a process of really building yourself up and becoming confident and happy. In the meantime, channel Churchill: When you're going through hell, keep going!

Lovesick Fool said...

You are beautiful inside and outside. You don't need anybody to tell you that but you need yourself to believe that.
There are little steps to become more happy. It's the little things that count. Like laughing or smiling a little every day (Laughter is the best cure). Or instead of listing negative things about yourself, make a list of good things. You'll be surprised that there are actually good aspects about yourself.

Don't give up. There are always people around you.
<3

Rosa said...

Hey Rachel,

I think you need to know that you ARE beautiful, and worth it, and loved. You formed the idea in your head that you're not and that's you you can't see it, you have to forget about that, it's not true. You are a wonderful human being and you can do ANYTHING you want if you only try. Don't wait for others to tell you what you're worth, tell it to yourself. There's a great song out there that says; "Gotta look yourself in the eye and say: I am wonderful" DO IT, everyday, and one day you'll believe it. It's never too late.

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

So much of what you write resonates with me. I also struggle with body image and some days I don't want to even get out of bed. But I want to tell you that you are gorgeous and worthy and intelligent and competent, and I love you.

Try to keep your head up. You're not alone.

Hugs from another 17 year old girl. <3

cleaneatingchelsey said...

You are amazing.

You are strong.

You can get through everything life throws your way.

You are beautiful.

You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.

You are worth every breath you breathe.

You, my dear, will get through everything! I'll be praying for you.

la salty said...

Rachel,

There is strength within you that you can't even imagine. The trouble with this is that you have to get PAST the hard times to fully realize this. Take heart...you will get past it. And you will never forget how you came up from the ashes.

Hugs,
Salty

Amanda said...

Darling, know that you are priceless. Beautiful. Irreplaceable. You will go in far life, if you just let yourself. Don't be your own worst enemy... be your own best friend. Love yourself and those around you. You are loved more than you know.

Anonymous said...

<3

Beth said...

The best thing I ever heard is that depression lies.

It does.

Don't believe a word of it.

You ARE beautiful. You are enough, just as you are. Live it.

Lauren Nicole said...

rachel dear,

you are a beautiful, wonderful girl. you are. tell yourself, remind yourself, eighteen times a day, thirty two times a day.

because you are.

it's SO hard, to see yourself as 'beautiful' or 'pretty' sometimes, don't i know it. does it hurt to be looked at and treated as 'healthy' instead of skinny, yeah. but you know what? if people, especially those who love and care for you, truly, don't see past the exterior - then they are not worth it. i got told this dozens of times, but never believed it.

rachel - believe it. because those little voices in your head are lying. creeping in to tell you things that aren't true, never have been true and never will be.

you're such a gift, such a blessing to life and to others; i can see that with just a glimpse. know that those in your life love and care about you and they wouldn't be in your life if they didn't think of you as the amazing person you are.

LET GO.

let go of the pain. let go of the heartache. let go of the voices.

you are beyond loved, cared for and thought of. write that down, put it on your mirror, put it someplace where you'll always be reminded whenever the voices try to pay you a visit. they'll know you've moved on and now listen to the voice of your heart, not them.

rachel, you're beautiful, brilliant, wonderful, lovely, blessed, smart, cared for, thought of and LOVED.

buckets of love and hugs,
- L

Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel,

I know we've all heard the saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and it always seems like trite bullshit when we are at the depths of despair and just can't seem to see a way out of the rather large hole we find ourselves in.

But the thing is... it's true. Life is shitty sometimes. But then something amazing happens. We go on. We survive, even if only by putting one foot in front of the other and choosing to wake up to each shitty day after shitty day. And after a while... things get better. They don't hurt so much.

And sometimes, if you can imagine yourself ten years into the future you might imagine yourself as me. At 27, I think often of how I felt when I was your age, of how fucking miserable I was, and all the times I didn't know if I could keep going. But I did. And it took a long time, but things got better. And, eventually, they got better than I ever could have imagined. And I am happy.

And I know you will be too, if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep choosing to wake up to each shitty day.

All my love goes out to you now...
Karly

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

"...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -- Winnie the Pooh

Jenah said...

Rachel,
Oh if only you could see that you are living my old life! I lost my dad, I had self esteem issues, and I have clinical depression. (No eating disorders, I like to eat WAY to much!) I needed to be put on medication. It made such a difference for me! Keep going to thearapy, but talk to your Dr. about meds that might work for you. It will be okay if you get a bit of help! I promise! I know you can do it. Starting is the hardest part, it gets easier from there! Good luck! (You may contact me if you ever want to talk!)

L said...

i believe in you...and i believe you have a purpose...that there is a reason for you to be here, and a reason for all this inside junk and outside junk to be going on. when someone told me that a while ago, i didn't believe them...i thought it was a stupid thing for them to say, and felt like they didn't know just how seriously crummy i felt. i felt like they thought i was being a drama queen and didn't understand that i Really Thought Those Things. and for some reason, i stuck through the hell of it all, even though it was the harder route. and soon enough i found out that they were right. i realized that it was up to me to love myself and decide for myself what the best life was for me, and to say "i am enough and i am plenty." and one day i realized that i wasn't so different from everyone else, and made it my job to let other people who felt like i did know that they have a purpose, and the main thing is: to find it. it honestly doesn't matter if you're pretty (and you are) or thin or fat or ugly or tall or short or whatever...you are built for your perfect purpose. i hope you read these comments from everyone and know they come from a sincere and wonderful place, and that is truly is possible to love someone you've never met. grace & peacefulness to you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, you are a beautiful person.

A lot of people just bottle up their emotions and act like a rock. You've chosen to open your soul up to the world through your blog and looks like you have many people here supporting you. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are an amazing person :)

Emma said...

I KNOW that you have something wonderful to offer to the world just by being who you are - right now. I am sending you much love.

Anonymous said...

Hello Rachel!

I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but I can assure you that you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are beautiful and so skinny! and a jawline to killl for. :( I'm quite jealous actually.

I hope you find your way soon.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

You are more beautiful than you will ever know. Beauty comes from the soul not the body. It is okay to care about you, I don't even know you and I care about you. Love your self, just like you are you are perfect.

maryroyphotography said...

i don't know you, but i do know that you are a BEAUTIFUL person! i know this because i know that my God is beautiful, and i know that He lives inside of you! (also, i see the picture of you up there!)

i know it seems like everything's going wrong right now, but i hope you know how much you are loved! you might not be loved by the whole world, but clearly you are at least loved by this LARGE group of people who have told you so....and you know what?

I LOVE YOU!

believe it, embrace it, and never forget it!
:] tomorrow will be better, and the day after that even better than tomorrow. let me know if you need anything!

mary

Anonymous said...

You are a unique and wonderful woman. You are beautiful and you bring soul to the world. Take each day, each minute as it comes and remember that I care.

MotherEarth said...

Sweet Girl,

Reading your blog makes me feel like I'm reading my own thoughts when I was your age. I'm 41 now, and I can promise you things get much, much better! Right now you are going through one of the hardest parts of life - the teenage years. I know you don't believe me, because it seems like other kids your age are getting by just great - they seem happy and confident and fun. But you know what? Most of them feel insecure inside too - they just hide it really well.

I'm going to say to you what I wish someone would have said to me when I was your age. You, dear girl, are precious. You are important. You are beautiful. I know you don't believe me, but all of this is true.

It sounds like sometimes you don't have anyone to take care of you, and sometimes you just need to be held and loved. Sometimes there just isn't anyone around to help. At times like that you need to be able to soothe yourself. Make a list of things you love - everything you can think of - and when you're feeling bad get out your list and do or get something on that list.

Also, please be kind to yourself. Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to a 5-year old child.

Many hugs to you, sweetie.
Elaine

hannah said...

dear loved one,
you are not alone. you are known. you are cherished. you are more than your hurts and failings. you are so much more. you are loved by the one true God. He knows you. He knows your suffering and sees your darkest, hidden, painful moments. He knows your fears and sadness. He knows your dreams and wishes. He adores you sweet girl. when He sees you He thinks "oh treasured one, you are so beautiful. i love you". He loves everything about you.

Psalm 139: 1-18
"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you."

Jessica said...

Rachel,

I was looking through your old blog posts, and wow, I honestly have to say that you seem like kind of an amazing person, and capable of so much. First off, petanque? I could never do something like that! And you must be really good at it, since you won the purple bikini and all. Second, even though you have social anxiety, you try to push yourself to talk to people, even if you don't always follow through. Baby steps, you know?

(By the way, I bet Nico's girlfriend's nowhere near as pretty as you are. Have you heard that every freckle is a kiss from an angel?)

Thirdly, you have gone through rough times, and instead of just keeping quiet about them and letting them eat you up, you talk about them. I know it's rough, going to a counselor, but it really does help, even if only because it gives you practice interacting with someone you don't know and gives you a chance to vent. Also, your blog- that's brave, really brave. You're putting all of your thoughts out for the world to see, and look- the world doesn't reject you, it embraces and loves you.

Try doing that for yourself, okay? I'm your age, I understand what it's like being in that sort of school setting and being anxious and self-hating, and I know what it's like (second-handedly, admittedly) to not have a good financial situation. But it gets better (so cliche, I know!). I promise. Because in the end, you know what? Those people don't matter, only YOU matter, and you have to do what's best for YOU.

I'm really sorry to hear you didn't get into uni. D: But hey, think of it as an opportunity- you can take the year to travel on a scholarship, work and save up, take a gap year, and reapply next year. Uni will still be there, and you'll have had some great experiences and learned a lot about yourself that you may love in the meantime.

So don't look in mirrors if they make you depressed, and don't talk to people if you don't think you can, but try. Because you'll miss out seeing something amazing, and you'll be keeping them from meeting a really great person. And who knows? Maybe they'll change your life, or maybe you'll change theirs.

I don't know you, but I love you. I'm not just saying (er, writing) that- I really, really do.

Anonymous said...

Love yourself! Hug yourself and imagine hugging some animal or a baby you feel tenderness towards. See yourself as that lovable creature. Love yourself and you will begin to feel the love others have for you. We are all one We are united. Stroke your arm and send yourself some love. Do something to make another person or another animal feel some love from you. You will get love back. Take Care! With all my love, Winny

hiro said...

Rachel, you may have experienced, I think it probably makes sense.
You Have been quite a pain and sadness. And now, I think you stay in the middle of the road you have nurtured a bigger thought.

Your place is not for everyone.
You are irreplaceable you.
You are not alone.

Under the same sky, and a lot of people think your healthy smile.
Under the same sky, you are connected to many people.
Under the same sky, you live to be will tell us the size of the world once again.

And under the same sky, I also think of your healthy smile.

From Japan under the same sky.

Giacomo said...

Hey sweetie, no anonymous comment here! Just wanted to drop a quick note to tell you that I've been there. I never knew my dad at all until I was blessed to meet him in 2008...that's 33 years if you've seen the reality show that I shot to celebrate our reunion.

I've also struggled with teenage alcoholism and loneliness. All I can say is "Hang In There!" God loves you very much, and although you may not receive the answer as to why God took your dad away from you, you can be sure that He has a plan for your life.

Right now, this is the most important time of your life. Enjoy your friends, your family, and those adorable freckles on your face! :)

Be blessed...I'm praying for you and your heart!

Giacomo

Cara said...

You ARE beautiful and you are strong...Stronger than I could ever imagine myself being. Know that you are loved and admired...even by complete strangers! <3

Elizabeth said...

Dearest Rachel,

I want you to know that no matter how unloveable you feel yourself to be--no matter how many mistakes you feel you may have made, no matter how many things you feel you haven't accomplished--you are loved. People who have never even met you are here to love you. This is not some abstract thing--we can see from your words here that you are beautiful, intelligent and loving. We can see that there is lots about you to love.

The people who you do know also love you. I hope that you won't forget that, even if they struggle to show it sometimes.

I know you are doing your best right now and I am so proud of you for that.

Just take things one step at a time.

David said...

Rachel,
Just through reading your post I can see how much of an amazing person you are, you are a beautiful girl inside and out, and you are loved and cared for more than you could ever know. The strength you have to go through what you have been going through is an inspiration and motivation to myself to not give up, and I admire you for that. I can also tell you with confidence that everything will be okay, and that giving into the negative thoughts that are popping into your mind will only bring you down more. Once you start telling them to go away and filling yourself with the truth about yourself, that you are a smart, beautiful, strong girl who is loved and adored, you will see all of them leave and all of the negativity they bring with them leave!
There are so many people that care about you and love you, and so many people that are here for you whenever you need them and want them, just let them in :).

annalyn said...

Hey, you know what? that uni thing? never mind it for now, I think all you have to do right now is to have some fun, like think of something that makes you happy and do it, laugh with it and share it with us by posting it on your blog. You're only 17, don't let your worries eat yourself because when you reach my age, you'll ask yourself "where my youth goes?"

Honey, I see you as a very charming girl and an intelligent one. Those are gifts that you have to see, above all.

I have one request for you please. Go outside and have fun with your friends or with yourself. Look around and you will see how beautiful you are and the life around you. Cheer up :) Lots of people loves you, even those you don't know.

Spencer said...

Hey, we all have flaws. I don't know about you, but I believe that a higher power created me and that higher power loves me and gave me these flaws intentionally. I was created by a perfect being, therefore, even in my imperfections, I am an image of perfection. You are too :) You are loved, you are beautiful, and you are perfect. I hope you are feeling better!

Anonymous said...

You're not alone. I don't know you, you don't know me. But I love you.

It's not the cold making my legs shake,
It's Timmy's ghost taking his place in our hearts forever.

It's not the sound keeping me from sleep,
It's what Jesus said about hell underneath.
I think I'd rather believe it's some imaginary place,
Made up to make children behave,
So our souls are safe to wander off,
Wherever they might please.
Your soul is safe wherever you might be.

Come now, sleep.
Come, now sleep.

Tell me I'm only dreaming.
Tell me he's just sleeping.
And when morning comes,
We'll both wake up to see the sun,
And love that's enough to keep our friends alive.

Phone call.
I pull my car to the side of the road.
No, it's not the cold making my legs shake,
It's someone I love being taken away.
A ghost taking his place in our hearts.

Where inside he moves from room to room.
But sometimes he climbs our spines,
To remind our grieving heads,
That in this way he hasn't left.

Tell me I'm only dreaming.
Tell me he's just sleeping.
And when morning comes,
We'll both wake up to see the sun,
And love that's enough to keep our friends alive.

Teresa said...

Dearest Rachel,

You are loved and you are beautiful! Look at all of these comments from people who love and believe in you!

I lost my mother at a very young age and was raised by grandparents. I was very, very unhappy....However, I survived and thrived! Now, 15+ years later, I like to say that it made me who I am today -- a strong, confident woman. This is just a chapter in your life. Take it from someone who knows, THIS TOO WILL PASS.

Stay strong and remember how much you are loved by so many!

Sending you a big hug,
Teresa

Anonymous said...

Rachel,
I can already tell that you are incredibly strong by admitting all of this. Now, the next step is to stop accepting it. You are beautiful. I wrote the follwing as a comment to a picture of myself i posted on facebook last January and wanted to share it:
"This is me in simplest form. I am beautiful...not by the world's standards, but by God's. I am beautiful becasue God made me. He made me specifically for a purpose I am determined to figure out. He made every atribute of me unique from another person's. I want everyone to see that the things the world throws at us to tell us we are not good enough are wrong. We are all beautiful. I'm tired of the lies told to everyone by society. I'm tired of the television showing us that 110 pound girls with bleach blonde hair with a pound of makeup and a flat stomach is beautiful. I'm tired of hearing that thin and muscular guys with huge arms and Hollister clothing is handsome. It is a lie. All of it. We are all equal and all unique. God didn't make us a certain way so we can hide behind the hair in our eyes, the make-up on our faces or the clothes that we wear. I'm tired of all the editing. Society is wrong. Television is wrong. We are wrong. Saying you arn't beautiful is saying that God didn't make us exactly the way He wanted. We are saying that He is the one who made a mistake. Who are we to judge the God who created us and everything around us? We are beautiful. We need to focus on the internal being and refrain from letting our flesh consume us. Our actions and mindsets need to change. These two things are what we need to focus on: our actions and our mindsets. We need to find truth and knowledge through only that of Jesus Christ who was beaten, bloodied, bruised, betrayed and hung on a cross for us all. That is truth."
I apologize if this is all a bit forward but I really think it applys to everyone. God really put this on my heart to share with someone and I believe that someone is you. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I bet you've inspired more people than you may ever believe.

I love you as a sister in Jesus Christ. Hold on.

:)

Lauren said...

Darling Rachel, look at you. You're gorgeous. Utterly powerful, with the strength to admit everything you're feeling. You have more than just outer beauty (which I truly believe you do have), you have inner beauty and a world of possibility at your fingertips. You have something that no one else has, which makes you all the more fantastic. Go get 'em. You can do anything.

hannahafner said...

You don't know how beautiful you are, and that breaks my heart. You are lovely - I can tell from your face, your vulnerability, your writing, every part of you that shines through. I want you to be encouraged and believe how VALUABLE you are. Take care of your heart and your body, because it's beautiful. Don't argue with me in your head.
You. Are. Beautiful. It's not debatable. It's truth.

I love you!

Anonymous said...

Ohmygosh you are so beautiful! I love your heart and your ability to express yourself so real and transparently.
Love yourself because you are worth it.
Believe in yourself because you are worth it.

Just C said...

Rachel -
Sweet pea, it gets easier, it gets better. Trust me, it does.
I can tell that you are a person with light within you. Feel the love from all of us around you and carry it around. Know you are loved for exactly who you are this moment, exactly as you are this moment.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers for a long time - beaming good thoughts and strength your way.
cjl

addicted2shius said...

Dearest Rachel,

Oh honey. I'm going to start this off with some typical cliche saying like "after the storm comes the rainbow" because it's true. Things always seem darkest and bleak while we're in the midst of it. But if you look at the grander picture, everything will turn out alright.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I know how devastating it must feel especially when you feel you have no one to talk to. But you have tons of people who care and have shown you the kind of support you need. Even though we may not be physically there, we are still here.

Time will heal your wounds.

Focus on making your inner self stronger, and it will improve how you feel about your outer self.

Don't worry about not getting into a uni right now. Even if you're at a community college, you can always strive for better. Believe in yourself and you will go so far in life!!!

Anonymous said...

<3
<3
<3
<3
<3
<3
<3
<3


i love you.
:)

Lydia Christine said...

Hi sweetheart. Youre gorgeous. We all love you. And remember, its ok to be afraid, but its not ok to run away. Stay strong, we are all with you.

Anonymous said...

I know what it's like to feel like you have no one in this world who cares about you. 

I'd like for everyone too feel as though they do. So, as being the first, I'd like to introduce myself. 

Hi, I'm a random stranger. And I care.
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amemoore said...

I just want you to feel nothing but love for yourself and the world around you. There was a time I felt nothing but hate for myself and someone who became like a mom to me said "I want you to love you... but you are not able to right now. One day you will be able to and until then I will love you extra hard".
I will wish you much love and send as many prayers your way as I can and my wish for you is that you see the beauty, endless potential and amazing being that you are right now. Love.

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

Sending you a big ol' hug from across the miles. You've got your whole life ahead of you and endless potential for fun, thrills, romance, happiness, love and anything your heart can dream up. Sounds like you've been through a lot, but there is a saying that goes something like this...your heart can only know as much happiness as it's known sorrow...meaning you are due for some much deserved sunshine in your life. Hang in there and know that these rough times WILL pass. You are loved! XOXO

The Mrs. said...

You ARE beautiful!!!! You are young, and have so much ahead of you! I know its rough losing your father (I lost mine at Christmas) and I constantly struggle with "its not fair" but when I get caught up in that, I just ask myself, how would he like me to do it, and he guides me through it!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

KLM said...

Dear Rachel,

I feel your pain! My story isn't the same as yours, but I know so well what it's like to know deep down inside that you can never be worth loving.

But, after so many years, I can promise you that even those deep beliefs can be wrong, and that you ARE loved and it DOES get better. You may not be able to see beyond it right now, bur I finally made it to the other side, so I promise you, it's there, and it's worth fighting for. It's worth the wait and the struggle and the effort. You are obviously a beautiful person .... Don't let any evil thoughts or feelings steal your joy. God bless you, Rachel.

Kitty

Amanda Capps said...

God doesn't make mistakes..therefore you are b e a u t i f u l. Praying that you find your identity in Jesus. <3

- Amanda Capps

Anonymous said...

One day you are going to be 60 years old (God willing) and you will be very far from the "perfect body". Learn to accept yourself for who you are now, because one day because one day you will have no other option than to accept yourself based on what is inside of you.

Anonymous said...

God made you in his Image, He loves you SO much. You are a daughter of the KING means your a princess

lany-me said...

You are not alone.

Caitlyn Alvarez said...

It breaks my heart to see anyone feeling like this. I know I personally have felt like this and many others who commented on this blog probably have as well. Life is worth living. I promise. The night is always darkest just before the dawn. Staying positive in today's society can be sooooo difficult, but try not to let it suck you in! You should know that even though none of us probably know you well, we all love you. Shitty things happen to good people, and you just happen to be one of them right now. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with something that no one should have to deal with.
I have faith that you will be able to pull yourself out of this with a little help from friends and God. Good luck in everything that you do. And if you ever fall into a negative mood, always remember the comments on this blog and feel free to find me on Facebook if you ever need to talk about ANYTHING.

Lots and lotsssss of love,
Caitlyn

Anonymous said...

Life truly is what you make it. I know sometimes it is hard to see that, and to believe it - but give it a try. Just experiment with thinking positive thoughts and holding a positive intention and see if it doesn't make a difference. You are definitely worth it.

FreddieLynne said...

Rachel, honey, it's not over yet. Be strong, and you'll get over this hill. I have faith in you. Always remember, you're loved. <3

Rachael Thomas said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I hope you know you are beautiful and people love you. I hope that one day you will be able to see just how beautiful you are. I wish I could say more... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayer. Xoxo
Rachael

Anonymous said...

Kia ora Rachel!

I hear you. I read lots of your blog posts - you're an ace writer, being able to put your feelings into words is an amazing gift. I don't know you, and you don't know me. But your words reached out and they touched my heart. Trust yourself. You are going through a shitty time, it's ok to feel bad. But as unlikely as it may sound, I promise you: IT WILL GET BETTER.

I've been in a similar space, a long time ago. I felt really bad about myself, my mind, my body, about the world, about everything and I had no idea how to get out of that spot.

Slowly but surely, with lots of talking, lots of ups and downs, lots of friends, lots of being alone, lots and lots of fighting, loving and living, I grew into the person I really was - and now, many years later, I'm still learning every day.

Slowly the universe became clearer to me. It's not that everything around me changed that much, it's that I *fit* better in the world around me and in my own body and soul, and I found the clarity to see beauty in many places - including in myself.

I've struggled with my wobbly mind for quite some time, but I learned to live with it and manage my thoughts. I had help from friends and counsellors and even though I sometimes just didn't connect with them, even though I didn't always think that much of their words, I now realised how much they have helped me. I came out of that period in my life as a stronger, resilient, beautiful and happy person. I promise you that you will get there too.

arohanui from a fellow kiwi

chalkboarder said...

Rachel,

Today is my 46th birthday. Before I continue, let me say you are beautiful and you write so so well. Your dad is so proud of you.

Today is my 46th birthday. I have two daughters aged 6 and almost 12. They live in Maine with their mother and I moved home to Oregon 1.5 years ago, believing that my daughters need to see and know me happy, so that I can love them to the fullest.

All week I figured that their mother would not encourage my daughters to call or communicate about my birthday. Not that I need them too. My relationship with my oldest has been manipulated and controlled by her mother for years; it's been since November last year that I saw her last and I haven't talked with her in almost three months, even though I call or text their mothers phone to ask too almost daily.

My youngest has begun to go down the same path too. Not wanting to talk. Please understand this:

As their dad, it is not my right to get angry, nor to be sad. I bury that deeply inside. I have learned to be patient - to keep trying. Every day I wake up and tell myself that someday, yes someday, if I keep trying to communicate, keep sending cards, keep asking to talk, that they both will eventually start thinking for themselves. Eventually they will respond and we can begin working again on being dad and daughters.

The point I'm saying is this, and it was stated earlier in the comments: "Always get back up". Muhammed Ali, the great boxer who dealt with some many overwhelming challenges, uttered this - no many how many times you get knocked down, get back up.

I too, have struggled with huge depressions, the overwhelming senses of failure and loss. Dealing with it comes from inside you, young lady. It's inside your most private place that the kernel of that survival and blossoming is germinating. That seed, it's sprouting. You may not feel that but I see it. I see the seed just opened and the new life that you are claiming just beginning to sprout.

You are beautiful. Your life awaits you tremendously rich and vibrant. You can find me here: http://kitchendances.wordpress.com

Love, Jeff

Lindsey said...

Rachael, I know you think you need to hear that someone believes in you and thinks you are going to be ok, but you don't. Those are just words. You need to believe in yourself. You need to know you can do it. Nobody else matters. The one person you can count on for the rest of your life is yourself. Once you are able to look at yourself positively, you will be able fix all of your problems. Trust me, I have been there (I know, I am sure every single one of us has said that). If you can pick on thing you like about yourself each day and one thing you are happy about, it will slowly start to change your life.

I know this all seems a bit crazy, but we really are all standing behind you. There are people out there in the world that want you to succeed and want you to be happy. And we have never met you and most likely never will.

We know you can do it, so why don't you? You are strong and very beautiful. Inside and out. Just keep your head up and keep going. Fuck anybody that tries to get in your way. You don't need them in your life. Stand strong. Just take it one day at a time.

Lindsey, TX

Carmen said...

My dearest and most beautiful Rachel,

Even though things right now seem dim, there is so much in life that you have to look forward to. You are such a young, smart, and wonderful person and unique in your own way. You are loved by many people and your life is going to change once you go out and explore the world for yourself. I promise, things will get better and keep a positive attitude. You can do anything you put your mind to.

I suffered through the same thing as you, and I'm so grateful that I didn't harm myself. My life has done a complete 180 since I gradauted high school and I can assure you that your life will turn around as well. Keep your head up girl, I believe in you. =)

ngaiomay said...

Hi, I know you don't know me but guess what? We are the same.
I am 17 (18 in 2 months)
I lost my Daddy to Cancer when I was younger and it has messed me up.
I have mega self esteem issues which moved into an eating disorder (bulimia, which made me bigger)
I have anxiety issues.

Over time I worked through the eating issues and am slowly but surely dealing with the baggage I carry. I total believe that you can get through this, there are many people who love you, as you can see from all the comments! You can beat this!

Never let the world decide who you are, you are so much more than what it thinks.

You have so much strength and you can do what ever you set your mind too, don't doubt your self and don't doubt the love in this world.

If you need to talk or anything feel free to message me or get hold of me somehow.

Blessings Ngaio

FlowerCiampoli said...

HOLA RACHEL!

I'm writing you from Panama city, Central America a small country far from your home just to share with you a little story in my basic english (sorry for that).

When i was your age i fight against myself nature a lot. I'm short, curvy and not the kind of girl you fall in love at first, second or even third sight. I wanted to be pretty and "pretty" was a taller, thinner and sexier girl than me in my mind. My best friend ever was the opposite: thin, intelligent and very classy. She got all the looks reserved for her and even when she was the most amazing friend (she's like a sister for me) i hated her a little bit for that natural awesomeness.

Years gone by, i was working on a radio station and then i saw this chick flick http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBvwueGobMk

it's a little cliche but it was SO similar than my story that i learned that
I've was wasting a lot of time worrying about the things i was not instead of learn how to play with my cards. I know it's not easy to learn from other people experience but do your best effort to push yourself away of this state of mind. Look at yourself with love and learn how to improve what you got. Look at your life experiences and learn from the lessons, and the pains and the good moments. Learn to listen to the other people's feelings. Your mom might be sad too and share those feelings is a way to heal your soul. Try to love the person you are and if you dont find reasons to do it TRY HARDER... believe me one day, you'll look back and discover that you are amazing just maybe not the way you imagined.

Embrace your unwritten story and it will lead you to wonderful experiences.

I'll send you a big hug from here. Dont give up Rach!

Anonymous said...

Life can be overwhelming and a mess of a place and life can be amazing. Hang on to the amazing and hope for more of the amazing moments. That hope is what will get you through the tough times.

melinda.e.l.s said...

You have to love yourself, before anyone else can. (:

Anonymous said...

I read a few of your posts and I see that you are feeling a lot of self worth and pain. I have been there, maybe not feeling "exactly" the same as you, but in many ways I can relate (well, I could...I am a different person now). I do remember all of the pain and irrational thoughts, but somehow I kept on seeking an answer (for me, it was the love that only Jesus could provide-that I kept pushing away for so long). It was a struggle. It wasn't easy to understand why a God that loves me would let anything bad happen to me or allow me to feel so badly about myself and my life. It was really hard to trust anyone in my life. It was so difficult to get out of bed most days, but at some point I just woke up one morning and decided I did not want to live like this. Over time, I climbed up the hill, reached out to friends, read my Bible, kept my head up even if there were tears flowing down my cheeks, and I one day I looked back to realize I had overcome it all. It IS possible! I am proof! You can love and be loved (trust me you ARE LOVED! whether you want to believe it or not). You can be truly happy (and you WILL b/c I am going to follow your blog and keep you encouraged!) It won't get better overnight, but I promise you CAN overcome this! I have complete faith in you! Just don't give up! No matter how hard some days may seem, no matter how alone you feel, remember that there are almost what? 400 or so strangers who absolutely ADORE YOU!!!! Rest your head on that pillow tonight, reminding yourself that you are NOT fat, you ARE BEAUTIFUL, you are special in a creative HONEST and wonderful way!!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Rachel,
My heart hurts to know that you are feeling so inadequate at such a young age. There is beauty in each and every part of your personality. The world needs you because you are authentic and filled with the potential to touch lives and spread love. Do not be ashamed of who you are. Keep hanging in there and finding peace and healing in each day.
Love,
Victoria

Anonymous said...

Dear Rachel,
You are going to see and feel love from here on out and it comes from many directions......dear heart, just put a smile on your face even when you feel like crying and you will fill much better about things in your life! You are special and you are beautiful!! Know this and hang on to happiness and feeling good and all the "junk" will just fade away!
(((hugs)))
Charlotte

Anonymous said...

Rachel, honey, you have no idea how many people love and support you. You have so much going for you, even if it doesn't seem like it. There have been many hardships and struggles in your life already, but trust me when I say that sometimes it is only you that can pull yourself out of this. We are all here to help, willing to listen and eager to see you get back to being who you are and letting your beautiful light shine through, and if you find a reason to smile, even over something simple, that is the first step! A real smile, a real laugh. Being able to forget those bad feelings for even a minute at a time at first, that is all it takes to begin healing. Honestly, you are so beautiful that the angels smile when they hear your name! You have amazing potential and just remember when you feel desperate--pain is temporary... giving up is forever.

You are beautiful and wonderful and talented and we love you and believe in you every single day!

Anonymous said...

Things will be so much better once you start making them better. Like dominos.

Like Pooh Bear tells my kids:
Promise me you'll always remember
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.

Anonymous said...

It is NOT too late!!

I am 19 years old, and I can relate to so much of what you've posted. My life was consumed by an eating disorder for nearly 6 years. I thought I was the fattest, ugliest person alive. "Healthy" was the most disgusting word to me. I hated when people told me that I looked "healthy." I thought they were telling me that I was fat. I hated myself more than words can describe. I tried to make my life look OK from the outside, but inside I was a wreck. I thought EVERYONE hated me. I absolutely dreaded social situations for that reason. I had zero self-confidence. I was afraid of everything.

I have to tell you: I never, ever thought my life would get better. I felt so completely trapped in my destructive habits and negative thoughts. I couldn't IMAGINE living any other way. The thought scared me to death. I didn't know HOW to live any other way.

But here's the truth, and it's one that took me way too long to realize for myself:
YOU are not defined by what others think about you, whatever problems you might face, or the way you look. That is a LIE, and every time you think that way, you have to recognize it for what it is. You are here on this earth for a reason, and it is NOT impossible to turn your life around! I so encourage you to turn to God for help and healing-- ask him to surround you with people who see you for YOU, and who love the real you. Those are the people that helped me get through to where I am today. Those people helped me recognize how immeasurably valuable I am in God's eyes. They showed me that THEY did not define me by my struggles, so neither should I. They helped me see that I was made for truly better things. You were too. Believe it!

Honestly, it is only through God's mercy that I am who I am, and it's NEVER too late to ask for his help. He is the only one who will never fail you, and I believe that he put you on this planet ON PURPOSE!!! If you call to him, he WILL answer, and he will help direct your next steps. This is your life, Love-- and I am praying that your future is filled with beautiful things.

You are lovely, and I 110% believe in you!!!

-C

devilishdelish.com said...

Rachel,
Your words are all too true to me. I have many times uttered the same words that you do. I do not feel pretty enough. I do not feel good enough. I do not feel as if I matter.
I suffer from severe depression and anxiety... it is an uphill battle. It is hard. But you can do it! I promise you this. If you read my blog, you will find a story of a broken girl. I struggle every day. But I know that the fight is worth it. I know that the world is better with me in it. And the same goes for you. You are beautiful. You are important. You matter. You will be okay.
Listen, hun. I know this is tough. I know that it seems like you just want to give it all up. It seems like everything is out of your control, like you are all alone and you can't seem to get a hold on anything. You want to be in control of it all and fix it all. I wish life was like that. Sadly, it isn't always that way. But I do know one thing. You are not alone. When you want to give up, when you want to throw it all away, when you are spiraling out of control and you can't seem to get a grasp on things... you are not alone.
There are almost 400 comments right now. 400 people took time to let you know that they love you and care about you and are here for you. That is pretty massive.
We may all be strangers, but we still love you and we still care. And we are all here for you, whenever you need it.
Whenever you are feeling ugly, come find me. I will remind you of how beautiful you are. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
<3Bria

Teecycle Tim said...

You're awesome, Rachel!

Anonymous said...

You were fearfully and wonderfully made. You are loved more than you will ever know or ever be able to know. There is Someone who is so in love with you and wants you to love Him back. He is beckoning you, calling out to you, waiting for you to see Him and run into His arms. He loves you so deeply; he knows every aspect of your character and every longing of your heart. He treasures you and delights in seeing you. You are so incredibly loved. You are beautiful, not even just beautiful but stunning. You are worth everything.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, even though I don't know you and all I can see of you is that small picture in the top right (if that is you), you are so open and honest and that in itself is a beauty that not many people have. Because of this I can tell how courageous you are. You are also quite physically beautiful (haha a little jealousy there) and no matter what happens there are people who love you. People who will stay up for hours just to comfort you. Who will go on and on about how pretty and smart and wonderful you are. Even if you aren't doing too well in school, that doesn't determine how smart you are. Intelligence goes beyond what marks you might recieve or if you go to uni. With all the experiences you've had in life, you are much smarter than most of the over achievers that I know just because they know so little about life outside of textbooks and assignments. Nothing you could ever do could dissappoint the people who love you because their love for you outweighs whatever mistakes you may make. I hope you get the chance to read all of these comments because they are from all of the people who love you even though they have only known you for a few minutes. I can only imagine what joy you bring to the people in your life, even if you aren't aware of it. Most of the time the world sucks, but you are too lovely and amazingly beautiful to let that get you down.

Anonymous said...

hi, to you i am a stranger, just another 15 year old kid but i just wanted to tell you, wherever you are that you will have people listening. that someone cares and that person is me. there is an army full of randoms and strangers that will share your pain and have pride in your victories. i know you will overcome this. you are BEAUTIFUl, even when you don't feel it. you rare just 2 years older than me, yet you can express your feelings. i can't do that and that is why you will be my inspiration. never give up faith and hope, you are courageous and beautiful love from across the globe

Anonymous said...

"We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated.
We do not know what to do, but we do not give up the hope of living.
We are persecuted, but God does not leave us.
We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed."

-2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Anonymous said...

Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free.

Anonymous said...

Look closer to the stars. Love is in your heart. God is everywhere around you. And we don't give you anything you can't handle. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Look up. You'll be blessed.

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