Fat is NOT a feeling!

and oh my, darling. aren't you naive?

2011-11-24T17:16:00.001+13:00

"I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry."

-Marya Hornbacher

goodbye notes and cigarette smoke

2011-11-15T13:02:00.002+13:00

"Hey Rachel, I hope that everything goes well with whatever you end up doing. I pray that you get a job and figure out what your passion is. Don't be afraid to take challenges and push yourself to new and sometimes scary things, you never know what you are capable of until you try. And don't be scared to talk to people! They aren't that scary, except for the ones who are in fact a bit creepy. See you around. God Bless, C."

Wordless Wednesdays

2011-11-09T20:11:00.002+13:00

little you

2011-11-08T21:29:00.002+13:00

Here's a helpful exercise:

Picture yourself when you were five. In fact dig out a photo of little you at the time and tape it to your mirror.

Little me on my 5th Birthday (awww how cute!)

How would you treat her, love her, feed her? How would you nurture her if you were the mother of little you? I bet you would protect her fiercely while giving her space to spread her itty-bitty wings.

She'd get naps, healthy food, imagination time, and adventures into the wild. If playground bullies hurt her feelings, you'd hug her tears away and give her perspective. When tantrums or meltdowns turned her into a poltergeist, you'd demand a loving time-out in the naughty chair.

From this day forward I want you to extend the same compassion to your adult self.

"If not you, then who? If not now, then when?"

the next time your inner nag has something bad to say, stop and think about that kid. Then rewrite your script accordingly. you're worth it angel wing. The world needs you to stand in your holy shazzam glory!

(From Kris Carr, 'Crazy sexy diet')

I have an eating disorder and it is NOT my fault. there. I said it. Loud and proud. I can not carry on with all these self-destructive behaviours. It has to stop and it has to stop soon.

Instead of belittling and beating myself up for eating 'too much' or doing something 'wrong' I need to take a kinder more gentle approach.

I force myself to throw up after eating, tell myself I'm fat/worthless/ugly, drag myself to the gym when I'm sick and tired and should be resting.

I'd never treat a 5 year old that way!

So often so many of us struggle to show ourselves the same compassion we would show to others.

Do you find it hard to 'accept' that you are worth loving and treating right? how do you deal with these feelings?

Hope and Renewal

2011-11-01T21:41:00.001+13:00

It's so hard to know where to begin, and I hope that you'll stick with me through this.

If you've been reading since before I cleared all my old posts you'll already know a bit, but if not you can read my newly updated "about me" page.

Physically, mentally, emotionally. More than ever I have gone from one extreme to the other in these past few weeks. I can be doing nothing just walking along and I'm hit by these thoughts, so intense that I'm thoroughly unprepared and can't clear them from my mind. It's not that I want to die, just that (in these moments) I don't want to live. It's all too tiring. It's been going on too long. In this battle of me against myself it's impossible to win. I don't want to be negative, but I intend on being honest and sometimes that's just how things are.

I can't do this on my own, and I'm determined to fight. I'm not giving up that easily.

I've always been a words girl, ever since I was young. I don't claim to write well, nor do I expect anyone to read this. But even when my thoughts make no sense and I can't communicate verbally, writing them down seems to make a difference. And if I can help even just one person to feel less alone then that's all I could ever ask.